My disheveled existence

My silence is desperate, and if you listen closely you can almost hear its plea.  Boulders of heavy emotions hold me down so I can feel nothing but the emerging depression, my stomach tightens its knots.  I instinctively know it always gets better, and then worse again, and better still.  Normally I know the triggers, I can see it coming, but this time I was blindsided and my pride tells me "hurt every motherfucker in front of you."  It wasn't all that long ago I would act before I could really think, only now do I have enough self awareness to prevent myself from doing something stupid.  I'd like to think I played some part in my calming down, though I often wonder if it's simply a byproduct of growing up.  Most kids don't have the capacity to see how their actions directly affect them, and I sometimes feel like that kid still, inside.  The raw emotion that flourishes when adrenaline hits and the anger kicks in is almost like a sickness.  It slips in a backdoor and when you finally notice it's already too late, the damage is done.

So when you see me questioning everything about me and analyzing the fuck out of all that exists, know this: I do it because I have to.  The instant I let my guard down disaster crashes in and mayhem ensues.  I admit, I like a little chaos, but it's usually going on around me, not always in me.  In a strange way it makes me feel at home, comfortable, like an old friend I used to get drunk with.  It's ok to visit but I wouldn't want to stay too long, my inebriated brain might get stuck.

I play with fire and flirt with the boundaries most people shy away from.  It's in my nature to do things that are a little bit crazy, for if I don't I forget I'm alive, and I end up in a mundane existence. Half of the time I wind up regretting it, but even if I regret it I appreciate what it offers back in return which is some semblance of learning.  How much in life do we do without even knowing it?  My free flowing style of living leaves me brimming with experiences of every kind.  If I was only full of good and successful intentions my writing would be boring and untruthful.  

And all of this, it makes me a deviant philosophical heathen.  You've been warned.

I'm restless and discontent and the control to change it doesn't seem to be mine.  My disdain for people is an  effortless endeavor, left with enough venom to eat at the rest of me left over.  And it eats at  me.

Lost in translation

Telling someone you love, the person that has had your children, that they aren't fulfilling you is like ripping your heart out through your stomach.  You need desperately to be felt but it seems so fucking selfish and crazy in the grand scheme of things.  Next to my relationship with my children my relationship with my wife should be the most important thing in my life, everything else kind of dances around the outside getting fed with the leftovers, but it's not that way.  There is a huge part of me that has to live an inspired life or I crumble in a disastrous heap of depression.  It's hard not to think you're simply crazy or expecting unrealistic things when your needs get expressed but never met.  You begin to think this is normal, you should settle for less and make things work because life isn't always a dream.  It's not a dream, but it has got to fall somewhere other than a needling nightmare whenever I open my eyes.

How can you make somebody understand things about you that they don't naturally understand?  If it's forced, it loses meaning.  We see eye to eye on most things but there's a point where I keep going and she stops, it's a hard thing to say, and it's really hard to explain, but there is an entire being inside of me that needs something else.  It's quite likely that it's not even another person that I need, maybe some time alone, I don't know, but something has to change lest I get swallowed whole by the land of the tame.  I don't want to be tamed, it's not who I am. Every time I've ever tried to fight that fact it bites me in the ass and I get lost in translation.  Maybe I'm destined to feel alone forever.  Perhaps it's a condition that can't be changed, but I've caught glimpses of more and I just can't accept this is how it's supposed to be.  

I told her.  I told her everything regarding how I feel and she doesn't even get what I'm saying.  You can't make somebody understand you, they either do or they don't.

 I haven't really been able to post photos because I'm always going mobile and blogger isn't up to date on technology.  I just can't post photos from my phone or tablet, and because I've been on blogger for a damn decade my blog isn't linked with Gmail which is the only option they offer for logging in to their app. Brilliant me, I feel like I found a fucking loophole remembering I can go old school mobile and post through email.  I'm a God damn genius, loopholes and shit!  Just kidding.

Anyway, I'm just trying it out with this cool picture I took yesterday morning.

-Edit...attempt number 4.   Maybe I'm not such a genius.  I might have  spoke too soon.

"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then."
C.S. Lewis  Alice In Wonderland

 Moving forward by staying in the moment is the only way I know how to do things. This applies to life and almost any situation I can imagine.   Every day I change in every way,  physically and mentally,  but what's expected of me is to live inside this box and just do what people do.  What I mean is that I don't deal with things in the same way most people would,  the reason being that I don't see things the way others do. I was trying to help my son,  Isaac,  with some homework and there were questions whose answers seemed obvious  even to me because I could tell what they wanted. Whereas at first it seemed like they were asking a completely different question  which, as  it turns out, I was  right about.  I explained it to someone else and what I was thinking was perfectly logical. It took my ass right back to 5th grade sitting there staring at homework which I would eventually shove in my book incomplete with every other days homework.  I  didn't realize then that I wasn't misunderstanding the questions,  the people writing them were asking poor questions in the first place.

 I'm fortunate in that I learned a lot throughout school even though I didn't do the work, I managed to scrape by thus  allowing me to grow into a  self-thinking  human being.  But I can only imagine how many kids get left behind in this way simply because they don't see things like most people and they get frustrated and give up. I'm not like against education and whatnot I just wished it wasn't so one track minded. And that's the institution as a whole, at least here in America, not teachers as individuals. I had a few through the years who saw through all the bullshit and gave me enough encouragement for me not blow my brains out. It  was an all consuming frustration,  y'all.  Perhaps I was in a worse place due to outside issues,  but learning has always been sensitive with me. I'd get beat for getting bad grades when it's not that I didn't care or really didn't even understand, only overlooked.   And I do appreciate to this day those few people who didn't.

 It struck a nerve in me,  but to bring it back to that quote,  the day I became free from all of that was the day I became aware that I wasn't the same person.  I was no longer restricted to think like the system,  it was ok.   Sometimes I don't think others want to let us become other people because it scares them,  they're afraid of all the things they never held onto,  or the dreams they never chased because they were different. Take a look and see who you are today cuz chances are you're not  the same as you were yesterday.   It's liberating to let go and see things a new way.

Randomness

Its been a long time since I've had to work a 16  hour shift in the crane.  I forgot how insane you can become by hour 15.  I been getting it up here,  y'all. It's hard to explain exactly what I do but in the crane,  we move steel coils,  some weighing up to ninety thousand pounds,  it's no joke.   An average 8 hour shift I make about 300 lifts,  you do the math.

I just dug deep and found some Run DMC,  damn that shit brings back memories.  I say this shamelessly, I dance (although it may not actually qualify as such).  That's right,  when I'm in the crane and I got the iPod on random rotation once in a while something surprises me and I just gotta get up and move a little bit. Now,  if you really knew my awkward ass you'd see the amusement.  But I'm really only halfway awkward, guess it's better than being all the way awkward. Hey,  the things I think about at 5 a.m.  when the deleriousness (new word) is kicking in.

 Big Pun definitely didn't live to his full potential. That dude could rhyme.  This is  the part where you go to YouTube and watch a Big Pun video because my bitch ass smart phone is too dumb to post videos,  apparently.   Or it's just me,  which is quite possible considering my lack of sleep mixed with the ridiculous amount of coffee I've had tonight.  Hmm...

 Ok,  time for me to wrap things up here... gotta quit fucking around. (like that'll happen)

I'm right until I'm not right...

I can see my breath and there are still a few crickets out there playing their song,  fading remnants of the summer passed. (I never know if it should be passed or past,  and it irritates me that I don't)  The thought process never stops,  not during waking hours,  anyhow.  Earlier the thought dawned on me,  the one in the title,  and it hasn't left me alone all day.  As much as I'd like to think I know everything,  that logic is faulty.  Being readily able to admit when I don't know things, and that's only true because it's easier to save face later,  but I live my life as if I'm right,  all the time.  That is not to say it's good or bad, it's only an observation of myself that seemed strikingly important when it happened, so I'm paying attention,  even if it is a little narcissistic and ocd'ish.  I don't have a need to be right for the sake being right, I need to be right for the sake of being closer to the truth.


 And that's me thinking out loud.  Nothing I say is set in stone,  my brain and its ideas are like a puzzle,  I have 10 million pieces and I'm trying them all out together to see how they fit and work together.  How can I live with an idea I haven't tried out?

I just keep trying them out.