looking back

looking back over the last 10 years of my life i see a me that has changed gradually over time to become who i am today.  sometimes i look in the mirror and i don't recognize myself.  have you ever looked deep enough into your own depleted eyes that you quickly lose sight of what you're looking for?  staring for so long, wanting some kind of answer, that you forget who you are?  i wouldn't say i lose myself, but sense of self.  i search my own eyes for answers these days, more and more.  i can't say exactly what it is i'm looking for, but i am looking nonetheless.

there was a time when i asked more questions than i think i was able to handle.   i wanted to know god, or if there was a god.  the further i grew away from those ideas more peace i had, and the less questions i asked.  i searched in many places for those answers....books, internet, drugs, self, etc.  not necessarily in that order.  many places looked, still no answers, and no better places to look.  i've come to a conclusion....we are not to have answers to these questions.  at least for now we don't need to know.  

in light of these realizations the questioning began to slow.  i no longer had questions so i no longer needed answers.  its been a gift and a curse all at the same time.  i used to say the same thing about my questioning mind.  i can't say that i don't still wonder about life, because i do.  i've just found other things to look at such as the stars.  i can gaze upon the stars and never ask a single question.  the beauty and magnificence that drapes the night sky  doesn't demand complete understanding, although it does drive people to it.  it stands alone, no words needed.  or to look up at a snowcapped mountain it needs no explanation.  it's rooted in the ground and stuck in the sky at the same time.  and these things ARE life.  they exist without a single answer and they're quite powerful.

the only life i know is the life i see through my own eyes, and i spend a lot of time trying to express that.  sometimes my best thoughts can't be captured, they go as quick as they came.  but at night when i close my eyes and think of the stars i know that i'm doing alright.  everything seems to make sense.