Monday, April 14, 2014

Life lately

 I haven't been able to write because my words aren't matching my actions, I sometimes let myself wander a little too far from my own path. It's like playing with fire and I always know it, but there I go, testing the metaphorical waters again. It's like I throw caution to the wind, fall on my face, and do it again. It's insane, and people think I'm a quick learner, but that's only because I fall harder and faster than most people do. Rock bottom is like an old closet I throw all all my shit in, but I make myself sit in it, darkness surrounding me, I give in and go with it. Every time I go a little further, deeper into that hole, and it's a little harder to come back from, I sometimes wonder when it'll be that I don't. And that isn't a question, it's a statement, but that goes with the territory, yo.

Winter turned to spring and although I've been waiting for it I hardly noticed, having been preoccupied with my own selfish demons. It's my self-deprecating nature that'll have me take and swallow a handful of pills to kill the pain. And it does, but only temporarily, and I wake up the next day with a hangover and a pocket full of disdain. I didn't go that route this time, but I'm left with the agony that is this life and no way to deal with it. I stand alone like the leaveless trees that line the streets, bare and burdened, but deeply rooted and unmoving. I often feel almost as if I've traded it for my soul.

What is this life?  I don't where the hell I originally saw it, but I ask myself all the fucking time. Things will look up, they always do, eventually.  This shit I write here really doesn't mean anything, they're just thoughts that pass like the seasons.  Which seem to be a little crazy.

* I started that a few days ago when it was 70° and right now it's snowing.


  1. Hey! I've missed reading. Technically, we all should be quick learners but life isn't that simple. It's difficult to pull yourself out of the waters at times. I wish I had better things to contribute than simple "I understand"s. Life comes around. Eventually. Something can always be learned. I hope you find it soon. Thinking of you.

    1. Sometimes just knowing that someone else gets it is enough.

  2. an empty mind is a devil's workshop. I've seen this in action.

    You know I don't know how much sense I make, but I've accepted the definition of god as the one in each of us that keeps us stronger, keeps us going.
    Similarly, I've told myself that life is what is worth taking that tiny bit of risk, moving an inch more, a step further, living upto what the heart says and living for others.

    I don't know how to tell you to be happy and satisfied, but what I know is when I was there, I stopped being there, moved ahead, lost the intention of doing things for myself and started doing it all for the world, for the people, for the faith in the better realities, in happiness.

    I don't know how that sounded, but I'm happy, satisfied, and no, being satisfied isn't wrong. Its very difficult to arrive here.
    And once you're here, you're everything. EVERYTHING. A solution to everyone's problem, every issue, every bit of happiness alive. Every freaking thing. You're you.

    1. Happiness comes and goes like everything else, I'm not sure it's something we can consistently maintain. But, I understand. Happiness is a state of mind.

  3. I am one of those people who fall hard and fall deep, I too wonder if I will be able to come back every time... I keep telling myself yes, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel... some are harder to see than others...

    It's good to see you writing again... I like how real you are...

    1. I often question what real is, and in questioning, even though I haven't actually found an answer, I found a reason to keep keepin on.

      Thanks for reading.

  4. Oh but they mean the world, trust me. I'm constantly trying to learn from the fact that I'll never be happy in the true sense of the word, but maybe that doesn't matter because at least I'm alive to dream about how things could actually be in another life.

    / Avy

    1. You're right, they do mean quite a bit while meaning nothing at all. Haha

      As I don't understand how some people are just wired to be happy, I'll never understand why I'm wired not to be. It is what it is, and to be quite honest I like my misanthropic self. I would cease to be otherwise.

  5. As you say, thoughts really do pass like the seasons. And where would we be without words to express all that goes on in our minds, whether our actions match our words or not? It's great that you're able to express yourself so freely--that's got to feel good. I've been watching this one miniature tree unfold into spring--a Japanese Maple, I believe. It looked so gorgeous when it was bare, the way it's branches grew downward like long flowing hair. Then a blossom here and there. Magical...

  6. I completely relate to this! I allow myself to stray too far from the instinctual path of my true heart. The journey back seems tougher each time. However, it seems that journey holds more lessons as the years wear on. We have to keep fighting to get back because it is wreck less to stray so far that you fall into the darkness, out of sight of your heart's light.

  7. This is why I always view life as a marathon rather than a sprint. We usually deviate from our intended path several times (dozens of times at least) yet we always learn more and more with each deviation from that path. Without these deviations we would never ultimately find ourselves...

  8. My world is asleep as well. I'd like to burn it all down. At least there is word(s) huh?

  9. Bet it sucks, huh?
    Betcha you cannot decide
    which Way to go, huh?
    Lemme tella youse, brudda
    (sorry - New Joisey accent),
    the Way home is Upstairs...
    the way toward eternal death is down.
    And dats da fak, Jak.
    If you gotta any questions,
    pull-out your Bible
    and lookit Matt 5...
    or lookit
    NE corner for my favorite verses.

    trustNjesus ALONE, bro.
    God bless your indelible soul.