The shadows from the trees dance in the sunlight cast upon my wall,  rippling thoughts  will have me lost before I finish my first cup of coffee.   Where am I going?   Where have I been?  Touching on a little bit of everything, I just let it wander while I chase it.  This morning I was told I'm like a bull in a China shop, which is only half true.  If anything I liken myself to the elephant in the room, people think they know me but they don't even know the half of it.  I may even be a skeleton in the closet, and while we often have them I wonder how rarely we become them.

On the other hand...

I feel pretty good.  The cool air is settling in my veins and I can feel that something is shifting within me.  I don't think it's a bad thing,  in fact,  just the opposite.  I can't describe it but I know it's there just underneath the surface.  A couple random plans are coming together, and people generally irritate, yet fascinate, me all at the same time.

Make sense?

Little ever does.

We All Have Hiding Places, I Think.

 Temptation can be quiet and sneaky and it likes to try me when I least expect it,  completely off guard.  I found a couple vicodin in a hiding place and the addict in me doesn't even want to tell you where exactly that is,  always plotting a way to keep one last hiding spot.  The bottom right pocket on my golf bag,  you see,  I'm telling on myself because I know better.  A decision presented itself which I hadn't planned on making today,  do I take them or pass?   You would think it shouldn't be an option on the table,  but however brief it may have been it's always there waiting to be captured.  I could already feel the warm sensation that starts in the belly,  eventually warming you head to toe.   The euphoria leads to desperate measures,  there's no way around it.   The only way it ends is by not starting,  it's just that sometimes that dark side wants a thrill ride.   Knowing better is only half the battle,  the action that follows is what actually matters.  The only way to ensure I don't think about it later was to crush them up and put them in the garbage, and a  piece of me went cold for doing it.  Most days I don't even think about it,  some nights I dream about it,   today it was just easier not to give in.

 The accumulation of rain we should have had through the summer came down last night all at once.   Massive amounts of water beat on the roof for hours,  the downpour had me locked inside my head,  thoughts run amok.   Picking up my son from the school library yesterday I recognized the quote painted on the door: "Go confidently in the direction of  your dreams"  with no credit to good old Thoreau.   It amused me that I never noticed it before,  I've been walking through that door for 5 years now, yesterday it happened to be propped open.  I might ask somebody to correct it,  I'll do it myself if I have to.  I wonder who put it there and if they know what a genius that dude was.  I think he deserves credit,  and the possibility that his name may stick inside some of those children's mind's.   Ideas that transcend time and apply just as well today as ever.   The boy said he had noticed  it in the past,  he even recited it when I asked him if he knew it was there.   He was actually interested in knowing who wrote it,  and  he wants to read Thoreau.   I'm almost tempted  to let him try if for no other reason to explore his curiosity.   My mother was a lover of books and there were always bookshelves full of a variety of books,  and I remember vividly picking up some large volume that may as well have been written in Latin,  but it fed  my curiosity.   And to this day it remains.   I'm glad I can share these things with my kids,  and while I may not be the best at making it to every baseball game or basketball practice  the bond I share with those kids is unbreakable.   This morning on my way to work I thought about Gwen,  my baby,  and how she's growing up.   She's in preschool now and her interest in words makes me soft  to the core.   She's rhyming whole sentences now and when her teacher asked what she learned this year  she told her she wants to learn how to write,  which I think is awesome.  I hope one,  or both of them,  picks up a knack for writing, there's no telling where they can go,  they know no boundaries or limits.   My intent is to never let them believe that they can't do something,  and I see in their nature to talk freely about whatever comes to them.   Unlimited imagination set  free.

A few thoughts

By nature I am not a happy person, I can be mean and sometimes brutal.  I've learned to control it but once in a while it shows its ugly face, a rage that dwells deeply even though its settled just underneath the surface.  These aren't negative feelings about myself,  it's the truth about who I am.  I don't hide it,  in fact it's pretty well known,  I've had to apologize to almost everyone I know at some point in time or another.   There is no excusing it so I don't make excuses but I have to look at why I'm doing it.   Usually something is bothering me and that can only mean one thing,  change is coming.   Ideas have rooted themselves in my mind and it's almost like part of me is fighting it,  trying to take over by causing a commotion....growing pains,  me versus my alter ego.  (not so much it just sounded good)   I've drawn a line in the sand and crossed over it,  there's no turning back,  just go with it.

Hangin by the tracks

The squeaking and squealing of the trains rolling through, you get used to it,  at all hours of the day and night. Their takes have always represented a path to me,  one of dreams and mystery,  of the far off places they can take you. Curiosity makes me wonder where they lead. As I'm building this metaphor I get a text from a friend "The doc is giving me oxy's next. Don't wanna get on that train... Don't want surgery either though."  Oh, I know the train of which he speaks, it's all too familiar to me.  Once you get on the exit is guaranteed to be  excruciating.  I don't preach to the dude, he don't want to hear it. I do make him aware of the simple fact that going to something harder only means it's more difficult to get off, and you're one step closer to the ceiling of what they can give you.  I honestly think he's figuring he'll die before he gets there, he's got other health problems and the men in his family don't live that long. It's the reality he's created for his self,  who am I to tell him it's wrong, when it simply just wasn't right for me?  I've never had a friend before who I knew, without a doubt, would be my friend no matter what I did, until I met this dude. He's seen me act like a crazy asshole,  and he just rolls with it. When I took a few college courses he worked shifts for me so I could get there.  And when it was time for me to kick the pills he never once tried to prevent me from doing anything. They say misery loves company, but any way I look at it, the guy is happy. I'll be there for him whatever he does, unconditionally. 

I kinda lost where I was going, but not really.  Like those tracks I don't know where my path in life is going to take me, I just have to go with it. All kinds of interesting opportunities and prospects open up I have to be willing to be flexible though, and to be uncomfortable, always uncomfortable. It's a Saturday and I'm actually off, let's see what kind of trouble I can get into

My liquid thought process

 There are times that I inhale everything I can possibly read,  and other times I exhale everything I can possibly think. Earlier I thought that if I could murder time, I would.  It's always stealing from me those moments  I most want to  hang onto,  or laughing in my face, antagonizing my idle mind.   That idle time is  what often gets me in predicaments, I do crazy shit just to see what happens.   Not something I would suggest to the average person, I only know that I learn by taking a look at my mistakes.

Sometimes it's as if the universe is against me,  or better yet,  karma is getting me.  I don't really believe in superstitions such as that,  but I do often wonder if I've done something majorly wrong in another time and place.   Obviously,  that's the way I feel it with my emotional mind,  my rational mind tells me that's just how it is,  surely it's  the same for everyone.   It's this process  of thought which affords me the opportunity to step back and see things as they really are.   How life seems to be and  the way it is are usually two different things.  I say this to people and  they react like I'm speaking another language.   Perhaps I am.

Dusted off thoughts make their way to the surface,  they haven't seen the light of day in a while.  Old ideas to be confronted with a new me in this new place in time,  and while I am physically the same person, my mind,  my being is  constantly  changing.  Trials and tribulations effect us all,  and that's kind of an understatement.   There is no peace  without because there is no peace within,  the world is a direct reflection of us and our sinful sins.  The road I walk is a little off beat,  but it works for me, I somehow see everything so fluidly...

... my thoughts under scrutiny.

Purging...

Mind drifting with the smoke from my lungs,  I've needed to write for days now.   It's a maddening feeling when your heart wants purge but your brain can't find the words to release. Late nights in the shed,  alone with my thoughts to steep in the intoxicating air around me, I rather enjoy them.   My solitude is golden to me.

I've been hearing a common theme among some bloggers lately and its been on my mind quite a bit.   I have to turn things over in my mind many times before I am comfortable with them, comfortable enough to talk about them.  And this isn't necessarily directed at those blogs I read,  it really applies to most people in general.  People appear to sell themselves short so easily,  they give in and turn to prayer or give up.  I agree that those things alone aren't bad things,  but we as people have a tendency to expect unrealistic things to happen.   Prayer is an interesting thing in my opinion, people set aside these moments to look within and listen for a minute and really focus attention on whatever it may be.  I think it's unreasonable to expect miracles from prayers,  but what I think most people are missing in the moment is the only one they can really talk to, themselves, ourselves. The only one who can set anything into motion on this earth is our very own selves.  Intention is everything, and the minute we give up our power and leave it in the hands of another anything we have essentially removed ourselves from the equation.  Anyone can take anything and perceive it however they like but this quote makes me think that I'm not the only one who thinks this way,  my ideas are not original.

"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth,  so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind.  To make a deep physical path,  we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives. " Henry David Thoreau

I don't intend to change anyone's beliefs only offer my experience as new ideas.  I don't know if there is a God or there isn't a God but I do know that the closer I get to me,  the more I know about myself, the closer I'll get to the truth. Often times it takes digging through a mile of shit to get to the bottom of things but the simple reality once you're there is unsurpassed.  I say you,  me and we a lot, I think that everyone can benefit from getting to know themselves better.  I do, however, mainly speak for myself,  I need reminders frequently. The more I frequent that path the more second nature it becomes.  I have gotten
to know me closely,  and though I sometimes lose sight of where I'm going I always find my way back.  I've ventured near the edge a few times in my life and I talk about it so maybe others don't have to go there.

"What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us. " Thoreau

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. " Thoreau

Sorry, the dude just said it better than I ever will.

I have a dark side that sometimes makes me shiver, I cringe at the thought of what he's capable of.  I keep it at bay for the most part,  but sometimes it gets  the better of  me.  I can try to fight it but a handful of vicodin later and its completely taken over,  and I damn sure don't miss it.   Once in a while I need a reminder to keep that shit in check.   Those nightmares about it seem to do the trick.

It's a rainy day and i can hear the raindrops at play,  making music off the window pane.   We haven't seen much this summer, I suppose we do need it, I rather enjoy thunder and lightning,  it's striking,  beautiful yet frightening.  It's the perfect metaphor for life,  storms roll through but it's always so  wonderful underneath.   The sun still shines behind the clouds when they weep, I dream of writing inspiring scenes from under a willow tree.

 I'm getting uncomfortable, I feel some change is on the way.   Only the days ahead will unfold where I'm going.   I've been to the bottom and there's only one place to go from there.