Thursday, February 28, 2013

Missing Pieces

Sometimes I wonder what might have been had my tears not fallen untouched.  If you had said yes instead of I'm sorry, how would these last ten years have played out?  It isn't your fault but it hardened my heart, made me a bit cold.  I shared everything with you and on that dreadful day you took a piece of me, hopefully you keep it close.  At times I fear it was the best part of me, its almost like I've nothing left to give.  Attempting to get it back I've looked in all directions, searched my soul and come up with nothing.  I don't think there's anything that will ever fill that void, and perhaps there's a side of me that doesn't really want it to.  You've unknowingly given me a perspective I otherwise wouldn't have had.  And for that I thank you.

That's been festering in me for a while and I still can't make sense of it.  It is quite possible that some hurt will never go away.  Its been a long time since I've been willing, or at least able, to let people get to know me.  Even when I'm comfortable with someone I'm guarded.  I haven't since experienced a true closeness to another human being in a long time.  At times I feel like my metaphorical heart was doomed from the start.  I want to open up but I can't, I'm afraid.  I'll admit it.  Today I can do that, it wasn't always that way.  Fear would keep me stuck and not even writing would help.  I feel guilty and sorry that I can't love properly. It weighs me down daily. 

How does one go about learning to love all over again?

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Where Our Poetry Lives

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."-
George Bernard Shaw

How true is this?  It is so easy to get down on oneself in the face of mistakes but mistakes are an invaluable tool in the process of learning.  There was a time where I was afraid to do anything for fear of screwing up.  It had been so ingrained in my mind by my experiences growing up that I was unable to see that I was letting all that bullshit become my identity.  I identified with the paralysis that fear would instill in me, and it was always easier to do nothing than deal with the idea that I was a failure.  Obviously today I know this isn't true. 

It has taken me quite a long time to get to the place where I can separate myself from those ideas.  We become what we're surrounded with whether it's of our own making or not.  But there is another side to the human being, some call it a soul.  I believe it's where our true being lies.  It's what makes us different, and gives us our own ideas and thoughts.  It's where our "poetry" comes from, as I say.  I had to identify with that version of me, and get to know what it was all about.  There is no failure there or judgment, its the purest form of me.  And this isn't some new age mumbo jumbo, it's what I know to be true.  Perhaps this is why I try to give all people a chance, because I can see in them what they don't see in themselves.  I try to coax it out of anyone I'm around so we can all share the grand view.  And a grand view it is.

I realize I went off on a bit of a tangent there.  But all things are related when it comes down to it.  I don't just feel it today, I know it.  Mistakes made are lessons learned.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Discarding Snowflakes

Pouring a bowl of cereal I realize I got the last of the box.  The little bits and pieces at the bottom get no love, but it's my favorite part.  Like the chewy brownie edges that get cut off and discarded, those are the best to enjoy.  The back of my pants are wet and it drives me a little crazy, it's bad enough I have to walk around the house with my shoes removed. 

Don't take off your shoes, please, I want to know where you've been. 

It's snowing outside, finally, and apparently I have to remove the snow, too.  Who comes up with all of these rules?  Can one not live a spontaneous life anymore?  Spontaneity makes me feel alive.  My eyes light up and you might even get a smile out of me.  The snow is falling and I want to chase each flake like I'm chasing a dream.  My feet have begun to move and I don't think I should control it.  I think I'ma take a walk and just go with it.

My Life Fits In A Cardboard Box

Talking with a friend the other day about my recent post Mad Professor I realized how much writing I have laying around, pretty much available for anyone if they got curious.  As stated in that post I've always got some kind of scrap paper in my back pocket and a pen nearby, you never know when something inspiring will catch your eye.  A lot of this stuff I never do anything with, folded up pieces of ink covered paper litter my life, they are my life.  In my locker at work, above my visor in the car, under the arm rest.  I've got notebooks of all shapes and sizes stacked up in the garage, and filling book shelves.  I have to confess, I think it looks good seeing a book I've written in sitting up there between to Thoreau and Whitman.  Maybe one day. 

I often wonder what would happen to all of it if something happened to me.  Would anyone read it?  I've got a lot of thoughts written down that I'm not sure people want to see.  Would people like the version of me they see?  It wouldn't matter, I suppose, I wouldn't be here.  Apparently I'm not that concerned with it, they still lay, strewn about my world.  I tell you though, it'd be like a puzzle for someone to figure out.  There's no rhyme or reason to any of it.  I don't date anything, I'm just not that organized.  Having a blog helps me in that aspect.

Maybe one day I'll do something with all of it.  I'm not sure.  I can't imagine just throwing it away, although I haven't looked at most of it in years.  I intend to write a book some day and perhaps I can use some of it for that.  I suppose it's possible my kids might want to look through it at some point.  I remember pouring over some stuff that my mother had one written, it was like a gold mine in a cardboard box.  If only she had done something with it.  I may not have the quality of writing she had but I have the determination she never could muster. 

Monday, February 25, 2013

Behind Bars

Sometimes I tell people that it's amazing I've made it this far in life without ending up in prison.  I was bad, y'all.  I did all kinds of crazy shit when I was younger.  I dropped out of high school, twice nonetheless.  I was in and out, mostly in, of trouble with the law.  Even when I was really young I was constantly in trouble, fighting all the time, just off the damn chain.  By the time I got into about my sophomore year in high school it was on!  My parents, divorced, I was back and forth between the two of them throughout my whole life.  I lived with my mother most of my high school years because the tension between my father and I had finally boiled over.  We had an actual fist fight with both individuals involved.  There was no more him beating on me, I had finally had enough.  He ended up with a broken nose and two black eyes, and although I am not proud of it, it was the last time he ever hit me.  Talk about an angry individual, I was the epitome of THAT.  It was me against the world as far as I was concerned and through the lashing out somewhere deep down inside I knew it was whooping my ass.  I had known for a long time, but I guess even a kid can get to the point where they just kind of give up and let themselves be consumed by their emotions.

My relationship with my mother was a rather backward one.  Ever since I was a young child I felt like I had to take care of her.  Probably since the night, I may have been around 5 years old, that my childhood was officially ripped away from me.  My younger sister sat on the couch crying hysterically as my 5 year old fists whaled on the back of my fathers head as he whaled on the front of my efforts were futile.  Alcohol was always involved.  So, while I didn't know how to get by in life I was trying to make sure my mother got by as well.  She would sometimes lock herself in the house for days, draw every curtain in the house and let the darkness take over her.  I think this is the reason that even today if I'm up and there is light outside, I've got every blind in the house open.  I don't like sitting in the dark, it disturbs memories in me that I don't want roused.  They're sleeping lightly and I'd rather it stay that way.

So, this isn't about my parents, it's about me.  While all of that stuff is still within me, I've gotten over it and let it all go.  That shit was tearing me up.  The time came where I had to face what my life was becoming or I was going to either end up in jail or dead.  As much as I hated life I didn't want to die.  And I had spent enough stints locked up that I knew that wasn't an option.  I would rather have died than end up locked down like that.  Human beings are not meant to be caged up.  A life sentence in prison is about the worst thing you can do to a person.  No matter what you might try your mind just can't get past the bars in front of your face.  My mind needs room to play, I think I knew that even back then.  

I knew I had to make a drastic change because I wasn't going to do it on my own.  I needed to get away from the neighborhood and my parents and start something new.  I joined the Army, and as hard as it was to adjust, and as much as I hated it, it was the best thing I could have done.  It straightened me out in a lot of ways.  I did my time and got out...I got out of it what I needed.  There was no more drinking by the railroad tracks, or selling weed out of the pizza joint I worked at.  Roaming the alleys at 3 in the morning was no longer what I wanted to do.  I wanted a clear head to learn about myself, and about life through my eyes.  The biggest thing I got out of the Army is that I realized I didn't know myself at all.  I didn't know who I was or what I was capable of doing.  Although it took a few years for me to see this, it all originated there.  And it wasn't until I saw and felt it all that I was able to let go of it and move forward.

I don't normally talk about this stuff much.  I haven't had a reason to.  I don't want people feeling sorry for me nor do I want a pat on the back for any of it.  The fact is, this is my life.  I overcame the odds and I think it would be selfish for me to keep it all to myself.  If there is someone out there reading this that wants to give up, don't.  I'm proof that people can change, all we need to do is let it happen.  I spent so much time fighting change until I finally had no choice if I wanted life.  And I do.  If you can find some sense of inspiration in what I'm telling you then it was well worth me letting it all out.  It's my story.  If I don't own it, it owns me.

Today I enjoy the birds and the trees,
the sunshine and the rain.
My kids give me a freedom I never had, 
and they've given me life.
I can gaze into space without looking
over my shoulder.
I've pulled the plug that had my mind
backed up.
And there are no bars keeping me
I'm free to roam.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Mad Professor

Somebody called me a mad professor today and it made me chuckle.  I have to admit, I kind of felt that it was fitting.  I sit here day in and day out at work, once my work is done of course, at my desk writing.  When I'm at work I go old school with the pen and paper.  I used to be really self-conscious about who would see me writing, hiding, tucked away in a corner so nobody can see what I do.  Now days, I could care less.  This dude sees me in here everyday, no matter what the shift, writing away.  I'll admit, I take a bit of pride in the fact that I can sit in this dirty, dingy place with judgments from all angles and spill my beautiful guts no matter what anyone says.

Sometimes I wonder what others would think if they actually come across one of my "mad scribblings" pages covered ink, an incoherent mess of words.  You see, when I write I just let it go.  I might start 10 different pieces before I have one I want to hold, and see through to the end.  Sometimes I'll piece it all together and somehow it just works.  My method is madness, it suits me well.   

Do you have a particular method to your writing?  I think that the process is just as fulfilling as the end result, and sometimes more so.  I don't show people my unfinished work like this so it's a treat for y'all.  It usually displays some insecurities which I cut out before the finished versions of my work.  Aren't we all a little insecure?  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't.  So this is what I was working on earlier, in all of it's unfinished glory.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Follow The Beat

Staring at a blank page is nothing new to me.  The words rumble and turn in my head, flirting with my tongue and thus my fingertips.  Burning holes in my heart from the hot, dripping ink expelling this shit out of me would help.  Stuck, choked up in my throat the verbs don't want to move.  Trying, and trying too hard to squeeze out just a little bit. 


Wads of paper lay at my feet, frustration spattered on walls and floor. Closing my eyes i retreat.  Let go and it flows freely, easily releasing these God awful demons.  Manifesting upon the page before me, i tell a story.  Ignoring the reasons why i shouldn't write, i do so obeying my rebellious side and confiding in all of you.  A peace ensues from knowing that someone knows, even though they don't know me.  Sometimes its lonely, only i don't mind when my poetry gets real soulful.

All i needed was a beat.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Snow Day

It snowed late last night, so i didn't get a chance to enjoy the best part.  And it didn't really amount to much anyway...maybe 3 inches.  I did get to take the beautiful Ms. Gwendolyn out to play this morning before leaving for work.  I shoveled the sidewalk as she shoveled it right back on telling me :

"daddy, why don't you want the snow there?  It's supposed to be there." 

To which i replied:

"baby, we don't want anybody slipping when it turns to ice."

She just looked at me insisting it be there, so we covered it back up.  Free spirited innocence lit up her face when we got done.  "That's where the sky wanted it." she tells me.  And i agree.  She laid and made snow angels...she's my angel.  Although, she's a deceiving little angel with a streak of heathen in her.  We got the little plastic sled from the shed and i pulled her up and down the street as she giggle and yelled and insisted i pull her faster so she can't hang on and would fall off, which i did.  Repeatedly.  Cheeks red, face and hood full of snow, she hugs me and tells me she loves me.

She has no idea how she has changed my life.  The simplicity of the way the world works in her eyes can be had at no other time in life.  I didn't get that, which i wouldn't ever change because i wouldn't appreciate it the way i do now.  And even though i can't fully experience it i catch enough of it from her, as well as my son who is beginning to be tainted by the world, by life.  It's not necessarily a bad thing, its just the way life is. And i hope one day they'll appreciate the simple childhood they had because i know i sure appreciate giving it to them.  I'm lucky as hell, there's no other way to describe it.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013


Bright, blue skies on sunny days, I adore.  Deep, green leaves of trees make me feel alive.  My focus shifts from digging out of holes to walking sacred ground and writing poetic thoughts from a philosophical mind.  Philosophy, to me, is searching for a better understanding in order to make the best use of the time we have living.  Only the dead know the real secrets of life, the keepers of truths locked away for good.  I fear we are not meant to have answers to some of life's most pressing questions.  No matter the complexity of the methods we employ in figuring out every secret of the universe, our efforts are in vain.  Some things just aren't meant to be understood.  I don't need an explanation to see how beautiful the stars are on a clear, dark night.  In fact, to give words to them would take away from their significance turning my wonder into a limited idea.  I don't need a measurement of the size of the universe to know how truly small I am.  I can see it.  I can feel it.  And it's not a bad thing.  Oh no, it's absolutely beautiful.

Today I'm appreciating my life and all of the life around me.  Today I see more reasons to live than not.  It wasn't always that way, and although it was a long time ago, it's a time I can never forget.  There's a calm in slowing down enough to take a look around.  Becoming too one track minded can make one miss all kinds of opportunities.  I've been really driven as of late, and I needed a reminder to take some time to look outside. look outside, and within.  

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Just A Thought

Sinister dreams haunt my days, for i know not what is real and make believe.  It remains easy to lose myself amidst a sea of people not quite like me, creating a way for themselves to live in slavery.  The chains of limitations holding you down, their shackles weighing heavy on the mind.  Is it bondage if you're being held hostage? I see before me a path clear but remain unsure, think before you leap, faith means nothing to me.  Fighting to try and stay on the edge, balancing between two extremes.  The middle is a hard fought place to be, alienated from most people because of how you think.  Exiled to live alone with nobody knowing, I'm finding I'm not singular at all.  Others breaking the mold have risen from the underground, blending in with the beautiful people. I see you through these eyes that have seen too much, always innocent curiosity clings to my being insisting to be fed.  I sit in my shed blowing smoke from lungs, thoughts drifting off with the pillar rolling toward heaven.  It's an extension of me, hoping one day someone will feel my story.  No matter the reason why, i stand in my shoes, fulfilling being me every step of the way.  Suddenly, the reality is glaringly obvious.  Suddenly i can see.

Black Beauty

So, yesterday I talked about how our appearances to others don't necessarily always reflect who we are on the inside.  Sometimes it does.  Our personalities come through a little bit in anything that's an extension of us to anyone who is paying attention.  Basically I'm about to be shallow for a minute here and talk about "stuff" and I'm trying to make it sound deep.....haha.  I kid, I kid.

I got some time this morning to spend with my other baby.  Black beauty (real original) has been sitting in the garage for months, neglected and cold.  I've been itching to take her out for a ride.  I can hear it calling my name every time I open the door to the garage.  She's been collecting sawdust and whatnot just sitting there so I just figured I needed to take her out and get her cleaned up.  I do have to admit though, not driving it for months at a time in the winter really makes me appreciate it a lot more when I do take it out.  And I do realize she's an it.....I'm not that crazy about my car.  Went for a nice long ride, and got it washed up and figured I'd take a few pics.  It's only 15 degrees outside, perfect time for it, right?  My neighbors probably  think I'm crazy at this point.  It's all good though.  It helped break up the boring day I would have otherwise spent in the house.

I love that car. If it were to be gone tomorrow i wouldn't miss it. Things like this come and go, i just enjoy them while I've got em.

Monday, February 18, 2013

On An Adventure

Still no snow has fallen and it's nearing the end of February.  Today the temps have hit right around 52 degrees which is seriously abnormal around here.  I am not complaining, however.  It was a great chance to get out with the kids to burn off some energy.  Anybody who has kids know how important it really is to keep kids busy and to let them wear themselves out.  Whenever I'm off and I have the kids with me for the day we try to get out and do something active.  Normally it's just my daughter as the boy is in school, but he was off today so we all got a chance to get out.  We were originally going to take a walk at the forest preserve and play at the park afterward, but there turned out to be no swings and the kids weren't happy.  We turned around and went to a different park where we knew they had swings.  While I didn't get a walk in, it was really a good thing for me.  I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.  My daughter, Gwen, is so full of energy it's unreal.  She took off running from one thing to the other with some crazy determination.  She was in the swing, down the slides, hanging off the monkey bars...i couldn't keep up with her.  Her innocent elation is what brought so much happiness and smiling.  The boy, my son Isaac, is more like me in the sense that he doesn't show the all of his emotions and he's a lot more calm and reserved.  He didn't even want to let me take a picture of him.  I'm still dad though, so I didn't give him a choice.  He had a good time as well.  We all had a good time.

My kids are everything to me.  I love them both more than they'll ever know.  They've brought a balance into my life that had been needed for a very long time.  Without getting too much into it at this time, my childhood wasn't exactly picture perfect.  I wasn't really allowed to act like a child and just be a kid.  I had to grow up way beyond my years just to survive.  My kids don't fear me, but I've got some of the most well behaved kids you can imagine.  They're respectful and kind and really good hearted.  I don't hit my kids or yell at my kids or make the feel stupid about sharing what's on their minds.  I don't say any of this for sympathy or a pat on the back, simply to fill you in a little on why I tick, what makes me work.  And hopefully to show people there's no need to abuse your kids in order for them to be "good."  It doesn't work like that, and the damage from any kind of abuse is long lasting.  I think I'm rather lucky that I've been able to grow enough to let go of the past.  I've seen that shit literally kill people and the odds of changing are definitely against you.

Ok, enough of that sad stuff.  These are my beautiful kids on our adventure to the park today.  This is what brings me joy.

A Tailored Life

" I say, beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes. If there is not a new man, how can the new clothes be made to fit?"


Read the whole paragraph here.

This quote is my most memorable from Walden.  No matter how many times i pick up that book, i always seek out that page and read it.  I don't remember what page it's on and i haven't marked it, but i find it every time.  If you've read the whole thing then I'm sure you get the power in what he's saying.

Being who you are and staying true to that is a tough proposition.  We, people in general, look to things outside of ourselves to make something of us.  From the things we do to the things we own, and even the clothes we wear, we have a desire for people to know something of us by all these things.  And to a certain extent they may be, but for the most part these things are not who we are.  There is more to us than that, who we are runs deep and takes time to get to know.  I'm not concerned with what you have or what things you have identified with, i want to know what you think about life and what makes you tick.  My days are filled with hours of conversation with moments of work or play.  That's what i spend my time doing, getting to know people.  I often ask people difficult questions that catches them off guard because they're things that people just don't think about.  Thoughts and feelings of their own they don't even know themselves.  Just as there is nothing like an old, perfectly worn to me, pair of jeans there is nothing like wearing the real me on my sleeve.  And who would require of me anything less? 

How do your clothes suit you?  What do you require of yourself?

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Life Is A Cup Of Coffee

One of my daily pleasures is a morning (whatever time I actually get up) cup of coffee.  Some people think that my love for coffee is a bit geeky, and that's cool with me.  Here you have something that is really rather versatile and just as unique as the places it comes from.  The many ways in which it can be had is another reason it's appealing to most of the worlds population.  I personally enjoy coffee in all of its many forms.  While I mostly drink it black so that I can truly enjoy the flavors of the ground it was grown in, I have to admit that I like it all types of ways.  Coffee with cream, coffee with cream and sugar, iced coffee, Turkish coffee, espresso, cappuccino......the list goes on.  Coffee to me isn't just a drink I have in the morning to wake myself up though, it's a whole event.  The conversations that have surrounded coffee cups have got to be some of the most profound known to man.  At least they have been to me, in my world.  Talk about a fly on the wall, how about the coffee in the cup?  Ok, it doesn't roll off the tongue as well, but you get what I'm saying.

When I write it gets me going.  When I talk it gets the thoughts flowing.  When I wake it is the start to my day.  I can remember the first cup that I ever had, I was 11 I think.  Loaded down with sugar and milk it was the beginning of a life long love affair.  I've always had in the back of my mind the idea that I would one day own a coffee shop somewhere, somehow.  It's still something I hold onto and I do believe at some point in the future it will be feasible.  Coffee has always been involved in most things I do.  I kind of relate drinking coffee to a lot of things......thinking, talking, reading, writing.  I just can't help myself.  So to be able to take part in that aspect of other peoples lives would be a pretty cool thing.  There is a new coffee shop that opened up down the street from mean and I've been meaning to check it out.  You know, support the little guy.  Since they've closed down many of the book stores, I haven't really had I place I liked to go and drink a cup.  I don't do Starbucks, not a fan of their coffee.  I'll have to make a it a point on my next day off to stop in there and check it out.

I realize this isn't the usual "everything is meaningful" kind of post, but this is something I like to share with people as I would a good book.  I'm not all serious all the time anyway.  The opposite, in fact.  And my door in life is always open for anyone that would like to have a cup of coffee and a chat.  After all, it's what I do.

Do you do coffee?

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Letting Go

Walking a bike path that meanders through 4 towns i took my first 20,000 steps (11 miles) in what will prove to be a long journey.  It was cold and gray, and the wind was blowing pretty good.  I decided this morning i was going to walk the bike trail just to give me some fairly level ground to walk on for this first outing.  I was more concerned with seeing how far i could walk more than anything.  What proved to be the biggest challenge, however, was not physical in nature.  I had to push myself from beginning to end today.  I kind of let my guard down and thought it would be easy.  It was a humbling experience, in my eyes.

Before i ever took my first step my mind was trying to tell me how ridiculous this all was, that i can't do it.  I had to force myself to get out and take that step.  And once i did, it felt great.  I know the scenario well, the mind likes to run through all that bullshit I've been told all my life.  And although i know what's real and what isn't, it's sometimes difficult to catch it and stop it.  I quickly noticed a vulnerability that I'm not used to, but I kept walking.  There were all these emotions welling up inside of me and i knew that if this is going to happen i needed to let go of everything.  Out there walking, alone, i am vulnerable...accept it and move on.  I do have some doubt, but it's all crap....accept it and move forward.  Let it all be what it is, feel it, and do what i have to do anyway.

I can say that time passes rather slowly when you're walking a long distance like that.  You think its been an hour and in reality its only been 20 minutes.  Coming up with a way to keep the mind occupied is going to be very important.  I can tell already that my "training" is going to have to take place somewhere else, at least in these winter months.  There wasn't very much to look at and i only came across a couple other people who didn't seem very cordial.  Wondering for a moment what was going on in their heads, i put my head down and kept walking.  For some reason, when I'm walking, putting my head down deepens my thought process.  Almost as if watching my feet pound the pavement is hypnotizing and brings out thoughts from the subconscious mind.  I'll lose myself almost completely in my thoughts and become present once again in my quiet surroundings.  There's no telling how far i can walk once I'm able to stay in that place of thought for longer periods.  Perhaps that is the key.

Letting go of old ideas can be hard at first.  They creep in when least expected, but I've got the will to carry on in spite of myself.  One step at a time, one foot in front of the other.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Walking And Cars

Well, I didn't make it out today for my 10 mile hike.  However, I do have a pretty good reason.  A friend of mine had some tickets to the Chicago Auto Show and I decided that it was worth it to push my walk back until tomorrow.  So, for tomorrow the hike is on.  There may have been a part of me that was happy I pushed it back when I walked outside and the wind was blowing a steady 30 miles an hour.  I am aware that I need that training just as much as when the weather is perfect, but it's windy around here often enough that I can get my fair share of training in it.  Anyway, we can talk about that tomorrow.

So, cars, another obsession of mine.  I know it doesn't interest a lot of people but there is something about the engineering and design of automobiles that really intrigues me.  They can be practical, and highly effective tools used by everyone.  They can also be really impractical, but beautiful nonetheless.  There is something about the freedom I was afforded when I first began to drive and I suppose that's why I still enjoy doing so today.  I see cars as a work of art and it really amazes me that someone thought up all of these intricate parts and was able to get them to function together as one unit.  It really is an awesome thing.  And I guess it's kind of ironic that a guy that enjoys cars as much as I do would be preparing to walk 3,000 miles.  This is the irony that has become my life.  Speaking of walking, did I mention that I got my fair share in today?  Yea, I took my pedometer with me.  According to it, from the time I got out of the car in the parking lot until I got back in, we walked 5.4 miles.  So, I guess it wasn't too bad for a decent walk.  Between today and tomorrow I should have walked 15 miles, and I think that's a pretty good weekend of marching.  Weekend for me, that is.

And I'll leave you with a couple pics of my favorite machines from the day.  Enjoy

Sunday, February 10, 2013

A Moment Of Clarity

A bit of cabin fever, my mind fixates on an image of an early spring morning, quiet and warm.  Everything my eyes can see is surrounded in green.  The life returns to trees, plants and grass, reinvigorating my own sense of what it means to be alive.  It's refreshing and much needed after the long, gray months of winter.  The inside of my head begins to resemble the drab outside world about this time every year.  Although i have grown used to it, it doesn't mean that i necessarily like it.  February 12th, 2013 and i have reached this state of suspension, waiting lazily for the world to turn.  And February 13th I'm going to change direction and head toward my destiny whether nature approves or not.

Tomorrow will mark a milestone and i want to record it here so i have no way of backing out.  Most often my fear isn't that i can't do something, it's that I'll give up before my goal ever reaches fruition.  The voice of doubt slowly begins to work its way into my thought processes, telling me that my idea is absurd.  And while it very well may be, i hit delete and write my own script.  My intention is to "officially" begin training.  I don't have, as of yet, anything to gauge my capabilities and i have to start somewhere.  A long distance walk is in order and i plan to go 10 miles.  Whether or not i can remains to be seen.  I do believe i least that's what I'm telling myself.

Coaxing my brain into cooperation is nothing new to me, its a tool I've employed from time to time.  I quit smoking 4 years ago and it took every bit of self awareness i could muster.  The addiction told me i couldn't quit and i had to catch that thief in the night as he slipped in the back door.  Over time it became easier to ignore.  Telling yourself  "mind over matter" is one thing, living it is another altogether.  And when you're only held accountable to yourself it can sometimes be quite tempting to give in.  Cliches are cliche for a reason, and i intend to exploit the hell out of them even though every time i hear one it makes me cringe a little.  One foot in front of the other, I'll push myself to the limit and back...I'm going to make that 10 miles.  Maybe 11 just to laugh in the face of the doubt that would have me lie down.

The daydreamer in me that has explored many wishful thoughts extends a lesson to the side of me that needs to act.  In finding a ground on which these two can co-exist lies the key to making any dream come true.  The meeting of the daydreamer and the actor playing out the script I've written into the future.  Add-libbing to get by, making last minute changes, so that i can flow along as seamlessly as possible.  Walking west the sun shall push me forward, driving me toward my destination.  After all, it's only fitting that the story should end with a sunset.  And I'll keep that in mind as i move into the first phase of my next adventure.  It'll take the composure of a composer orchestrating a symphony in front of a great audience to pull all of this together, and i look forward to the challenge.  A fog has lifted from my head that i cannot, or at least will not at this time, speak of, allowing for the first time in a long time the makings of a dream come true. 

Move forward with me and find a dream of your own, be it new or long lost, realize it at once.  Tame your inspiration and put it to work as your driving force in some fairytale of tomorrow, and don't give up.    You can do anything if only you put your mind to it, or so I've been told.  For today it's a truth I'll have to put some faith in, and i hope you'll continue to join me on this journey through my wandering mind.

I thank you.

Friday, February 8, 2013


Is it wrong to make two blog posts in one day?  It doesn't matter, I'm doing it anyway.  I'm bored and have a little time to kill.  All seriousness aside, I'm going to write...

Words distort my reality.  I try to bend my mind but still can't see.  It's hard to imagine living life by my own code.  A lawless, limitless new world waits beyond the old.  I can't tell if I'm high on life or if someone spiked my Cheerios.  I broke the mold long ago, time i learned to let it go.  I keep the pieces in case they're one day needed.  I pace the streets to create my own destiny only to realize I'm carrying a worn out load.  Nobody knows but me how to appease my senses.  And they think my walking is senseless.  I'm determined to return their dissension and elevate my state to new levels.  I am aware that i do not stand alone, yet this route i must go my own.  I walk softly and step slowly, knowing that one day soon I'll live my own story.

Walking across the country is not even close to the craziest thing I've heard of, yet people react to it as if it were.  There are plenty of things that are much crazier, like staying at a job you no longer want to do simply because the money is good.  Or seeking no adventure in life because life doesn't allow it.  Life has become redundant and I'm not afraid to switch gears, i have enough years ahead of me to figure out what i want to do when i get older.  Perhaps i never find out, so what then?  Have i failed in life?  Have i failed my family?  My answer is no.  I'd like for people to look at it without labeling it good or bad.  Or has jealousy sparked envy and made people just a little bit angry with themselves?  Angry that they didn't do something they may have once thought they should?  That's a lot of questions and i don't necessarily seek answers.

Aside from these naysayers i have found another bunch.  Those that absolutely just don't get it.  They don't even get it enough to disagree with it.  They tell me it's risky and not very wise to leave a stable job making good money.  What is wise anyway?  Are these people wise in what they choose in their lives?  It doesn't matter.  And it doesn't matter what they think about what I'm doing.  If there's one thing I've learned in life is that you've got to do what makes you happy.  I've also come to know that things don't always work out as planned and I'm ok with that.  It's life, and it has its own way of getting back on course. 

You know, not all of my childhood memories are bad.  In fact, the best memories i have are of the simple things in life.  My mother never could afford much, barely making ends meet, but a day combing the beach for cool rocks didn't cost anything.  A walk through the woods was more fun than anything she could've paid for.  I'm looking for a simple life.  The things that mean something to me aren't necessarily the same as you or anybody else.  How can i tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing?  Who am i to judge your life and what you do with it?  I shall move forward with no worry of what anyone thinks.  You can tell me, and I'll probably listen, but beyond that there's nothing more that i can do. 

Focused on moving forward.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.” ― Henry David Thoreau

This is an idea I've had to come to grips with in the past year.  I got frustrated because i couldn't write, or wouldn't write, when perhaps i just didn't have anything to write about.  What am i to write about?  Where I've been or where I'm going?  Where I've been isn't as exciting as what lies in front of me.  It dawned on me that maybe i should give myself something to write about, and i have.  Maybe it's not all about inspiration just happening upon us, and more about us finding or creating our own inspiration.  I haven't seen enough, i haven't lived enough and i haven't walked enough, so it shouldn't be a surprise to find that I've got writers block.  Thoreau said it in much fewer words than i did, but he hit that nail on the head.


This is completely off topic, though not really because it's all related.  I have been given the go ahead from my wife to pursue this walking thing.  She wasn't to keen on the idea the first time around.  Understandably so given the circumstances at the time.  It's a relief and it took a lot out of me to work up the nerve to bring it up once again.  It went well and i think i have her support, i think she finally understands why i need to do it and how important it is to me.  I'm really happy that i brought it up and got it out of the way because now i can really begin planning.  i need her help to keep me motivated, and i think it'll help her in her own life.  It's just another step forward on the long road ahead.  Stay tuned...

Monday, February 4, 2013

Roaming Alley's

I've always been told that you'll be whatever it is that you surround yourself with.  Yes, I've been given a lot of speeches like this over my lifetime.  I am a bit of a heathen, after all.  I'm finding this to be true at this point in my lifetime more so than any other.  It just dawned on me, an "ah ha" moment, that I absolutely have begun to turn into the things that I'm doing whether I like it or not.  And I've noticed this because of the extreme difference in the way that I am now from only 5 years ago.  Its been a bit of a struggle at times, I must admit.  I'm only human and these things happen.  It's not easy not to fall into the mindset of all the people that you're in contact with day in and day out.  Some of these people you spend more time with than family.  I don't want to stray too far off topic because it's not really about the ways in which I've changed, only the reasons why.  It's rather simple, really.  Turn your life upside down, do a complete 180 and life goes on.  Ok, maybe it't not that simple, but the idea of it is.  Acting it out isn't all that easy, it takes time.

I can see change taking place as I write this.  A few ideas that have been swirling around in this head of mine have finally grabbed hold and have rooted themselves.  Now I know what I am capable of once something like this has taken place, and I have to admit that it excites me a little.  When I was 18 years old I joined the Army.  Let me tell you what a struggle it was to adapt.  I mean, I was a kid smoking dope and roaming the alleys and now all of a sudden I have to stand up straight and focus.  I did.  It was tough at first but the idea had set in that I was going to do it because I needed a change.  I put one foot in front of the other and made it through.  At the time I didn't really have enough self-awareness to know what was going on, but I do know that's where it originated.

This is how life has always progressed for me.  Long moments of thinking and working things out in my head followed by an explosion of change.  It's not intentional, it just happens that way.  And for the first time I am able to sort of sit back and watch it all unfold, and share it here with you. I am grateful that I am once again finding the words I need in order to do that.  They disappeared on me for a long time and now it's all just flowing out. If I change what I'm doing the things I'm doing are going to change.

 Good things are on the horizon and I'm down for the challenge.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

As The Snow Falls

Here we are, it's already February.  The time rolls on quicker with each day I get older.  There's snow on the ground and I have to admit the snow makes me feel like a kid.  Like the kid that I never was able to be all those years ago.  The unfortunate part is that its taken 3 days for it to amount to anything.  We haven't had any snow this year at all.  There's nothing in this world like walking around in a night time blizzard.  It is the ice cream of the winter.  The one reason you wait patiently for the season to arrive.  The snow falls hard, and quick, and it insulates the air and the earth and dampens the sound of my usual noisy world.  The snow under foot crunches with every step, leaving in wake a path for someone else to follow.  How many souls dare blaze their own trail?  Walking in the footsteps beside me is not how the saying goes.  I don't mind providing the path.  In fact, I think it was what I was meant to do.  Sitting beside a window watching the flurries fall and my mind wants to be among them.  There are ideas as individual as snowflakes waiting to fall with a fury from my brain if only I'll allow them.  And for that I need some room and a little bit of time.  I wait as patiently as a kid.

Saturday, February 2, 2013


I am a walker at heart and a daydreamer by trade.  In fact, i do believe i may even have perfected it.  Ever since i was a kid i would daydream and pay attention to it.  Teachers and parents telling me i don't pay attention, when little did they know i was paying attention better than they thought.  At times I've even also sat down with the intention to just let my mind wander through my dreams of the day.  How much in the world has been born inside the mind of a daydreamer?  I would even be willing to bet that anyone with a new invention or revolutionary idea would say that it began in a daydream.  And isn't that an interesting thought?

I am very capable of tuning out everything else around me so that i can chase another dream down a rabbit hole.  In dreams lies inspiration and the will to do anything.  Spending hours wrapped up in an idea isn't anything new to me and i can always tell when I'm done.  The mind just stops, and a peace ensues that can be achieved in very few ways.  So, next time you need to do some soul searching, sit back and let your mind run away on you.  Give in to the urge to let that child inside explore that rabbit hole, there's no telling what you'll find.

Are you a daydreamer?