Will never be titled

 mind drifting off on copious notes,  rolling smoke,  throwing stones through houses of windows.   don't miss take me,  I've got glass of my own, which can be broken,  no picking bones.   my slang may confuse you,  but I assure you, I can add $2 dollar words to these $100 dollar rhymes if I choose to.   I'll lose you before you can realize you been bamboozled.   yea,  I'm real smooth, too,  my game is tight,  downright brutal.   I'll tell you the outright truth,  through and through,  as I see it from my point of view.  disastrous youth with a pattern to use, a little scatter brained, mad  hatter has captivated you.

 just a late night rhyme from the shed.

Philosophically Thinking

The word philosophical is defined as pertaining to philosophy, obviosuly.  It's a word I use to describe myself, a word whose use I beilieve has become kinda fad-ish.   People  seem to throw the word around a lot, but it isn't often anyone can actually give me the definition of philosophy,  instead I get their own idea of  what it is.  We complicate everything.  And I'm not one for using labels but if had to find a word whose definition describes me, philosophical, thus phiposophy, would be good one.  Philosophy has a number of defininotions all relating to the same thing.  Three of which describe me perfectly.

Philosophy-
1. The rational investigation of the truths and principles of being , knowledge,  or conduct.
5. A system of principles for guidance in practical affairs.
6. An attitude of rationality, patience, composure, and calm in the presence of troubles or annoyances.

From dictionary.coie I may not always fulfill those definitions 100% of the time,  I do strive to live by them.  Now, for a person that hates living within boundaries and guidlines you can see my trepidation in calling myself anything, but philosophies can vary from person to person, so here I am, finding my own philosophies to live by, and only by living can one find true philosophies anyway.  I am not a scholar nor do I want to change the world, but I do firmly believe in living a life lead by intention, with purpose and reason.  I have spent so much time in life living as others would have me live, to some degree or another, that I became numb and calloused and emotionless.  Held back by fear of making my own decisions and standing by them no matter what, and having to decide whether or not I would explain it to people.  That isn't to say I'm never wrong, not at all, in fact quite the opposite.  By owning what I do and say it cuts out all the bullshit fights one might find themselves having internally.  it has certainly helped me.

It has taken me a long time to even be comfortable on this path and it has taken every bit of my 32 years of experience to come to this juncture in my journey.  I have arrived nowhere, this I know.  I merely keep walking in order to come to the understanding that nothing means everything and everything means nothing, all at once.  I thrive on complexities, mine and yours, and come to understanding by way of simplicity.  Everything can be broken down to it's simplest form  leaving nothing to the imagination to concoct or imply.  Removing emotion from situations is often necessary in dealing with things rationally.  This is something I am just now beginning to see.  That is not to say that life requires me to be an emotionless robot all of the time, although this was my approach  for many years.  I find it useful in its rightful time and place.  Recently I have become more open to being open and emotional when I need to be and its brought a little bit of life back to the death trap I had become.  I mean that literally and figuratively.  And there is no shame in saying that for a while there I had become toxic to myself and those around me.  I call it like it is,  no bullshit.  Only by accepting that can I understand and move forward so as not to do things that cause results I can't live with.   And that's what this is all about,  living life,  simply,  humbly,  and with some sense of reason and purpose.  I  definitely have my way of doing things,  and I'm glad my ramblings are somewhat philosophically entertaining.   This blog,  my writing,  is one aspect of the process I use to get  through life, philosophically speaking.

Dancing With Insanity

dancing on the verge of insanity I abandon ideas seeping in, seedlings, needling at my peace. I have to stay on my toes, though I feel like I'm stumbling, abruptly struggling to see clearly. I fear the dark, and I'm afraid of making nothing of the little bit of something I've been given. I don't mess with ghosts, though I've got some skeletons in my closet, deep secrets which I attack with a pad and a pen. untamed thoughts break free from their sentence confined to my mind, an unending stream of conscience, and my conscience is full of illogical nonsense. and as I progress in my maniacal professions and unethical questions, I sense a hesitant confession, my obsession with beautiful things, flowers and white mountains. I'm astounded by mother nature's sexy ways, and her sometimes bitchy behavior. living life mixed with a little bit of danger, what can I say, I'm a heathen with a philosophical nature.

The rain beats down, I can see it pouring through a hole in the roof. Not my roof, the roof here at work, it's full of holes. I've heard stories about the holes in this roof, but they were only stories. I can see the light flashing off t he walls and the ceiling above my crane which is fucking me up if I'm being honest. You see, the crane runs on electricity and all the electrical stuff is on top of this old, raggedy ass crane. When you have spent as much time up here as I have and seen as many malfunctions as these things have you begin to notice things. Early warning signs of something going wrong. So, normally crazy arc flashes off the wall or ceiling means something is wrong, check it out. With all the lightning it kinda takes that away from you, but you get used to it I suppose. I've been doing this now for almost a decade and a change is needed. I don't know when or what but something has to give. I love what I do but the atmosphere in this place will swallow your soul and not think twice.But I think twice every day when I have to come here and that is no way to co-exist. It's a love hate relationship and the hate is beginning to outweigh the love. I can be confined to this 5x5 box for the rest of my life, that's not the problem. The problem lies in being confined to the ideas and sick thinking of this place. Worry about yourself first and fuck the rest. That's not how I operate. I'm way overdue for a vacation, a real vacation. Like getting in the car and driving far away kind of vacation. We're headed west again, something draws me to the place... probably a combination of mountains and fresh air. I suppose that alone is good enough reason to be drawn in. So, I'm sure I'll be posting more about that journey to the Rocky Mountain National Park in Colorado. Went Yellowstone a few years back and I've been itching to go again ever since. We're gonna stay in Denver for a couple days too, maybe... there is no strict plan. It excites me and wakes me up. Only about 3 weeks to wait. And I wait...

5/11/13

I haven't been writing much lately, which is fine, I'm living life.  Life becomes full of things to pull me away from electronic devices  this time of year.  And even when there isn't anything to do, sitting outside staring at an empty, blue sky is more appealing than staring at a blank page or a blinking cursor.  Writing kind of gets set aside for a while, saved for the months when I'm stuck in the house and everything is gray.  It's my escape when the burden of winter becomes too much.  But it's May, my favorite time of year, and things are much brighter even though we catch a cold day here and there.  Their numbers are limited now.  I am back home, making things work.  Once everything had a chance to calm down and talking, to include listening, became possible it made it a lot easier to be here.  I really  don't ask for much in life, I'm just at a point where I'm  becoming my own person and it's causing growing pains for others as well, it's not necessarily good or bad it   just is what it is.  There are some things about me that have to be accepted if we wish to co-exist because these are things that I could otherwise live with and be comfortable in my own skin.  There's a fine line between necessary selfishness just to get by in the world and keep your sanity and selfishness that hurts other people, and it seems to be that people often confuse the two and take some things in a way they shouldn't.  We all have to pick battles in relationships and sometimes way may not like what others do but if it's not harming anyone who are we to stand in their way?  At least, this is how I see things.  And I'm asking others around me to see things this way as well, and it's difficult.  Not impossible, but difficult because it requires looking at oneself.  And I know better than anyone else that sometimes it takes drastic actions for a person to becoming willing to do so.  My philosophies in life are simple and I wish to maintain that, and encourage the people around me to do the same.  All the difficult things that go on in life, we don't need to add more on top of the pile, and I choose not to worry about small things, rather go with the flow.  I'm not perfect, I get caught up in day to day shit just like everyone else, but at the end of the day when I can reflect I'm able to let most of it go.  You know, I've become good at keeping things separate in life and not letting emotions from one thing spill over into another.  Work stays at work, and home pretty much stays at home, and I don't take things out on the kids or my wife, I always let things go.  The stars are still in the sky and I'm still alive to see them with the people I love, how serious is any of the other shit, really?  It's a simple concept but very difficult to live, yet I try.  As long as I'm trying, I'm doing alright.

The boy

I had a conversation with the boy today, the type I've grown so fond of during his almost 9 years of life. Whenever i pick him up from school, we talk. We talk about all kinds of things. He's always curious and asks me a lot of questions. I'm honest with him because he understands, or at least attempts to. Today he was asking me about making communion. You see, he goes to a catholic school but we aren't catholic. Well, both my wife and i were raised that way but neither of us follow any faith. I think my wife simply doesn't care where i have made a conscious decision that I'm not a religious person. I'm not an atheist and i don't profess to know anything, i just kinda roll with it. Anyhow, the rest of his class is making this act of faith while he is not. I ask him how he feels, if he feels left out and he insists that he doesn't, i believe him. I asked him if he understood why they're making confession and communion because he does still have to do the classes and go to church and all, and as i suspect, he doesn't. I didn't when i was his age, going through it, it didn't make a bit of sense to me, which is where my issue lies in having children do things they don't understand. Anybody, really. I try to live a life of intent where i am aware of the things I'm doing and why. I can't fathom doing things senselessly or simply because its what I've been taught or what others do. As I'm being oh so profound with this boy who is getting it, I'm driving. We pass through an intersection and the police have the road blocked due to an accident. Everyone is taking a detour through the parking lot and i follow. Isaac asks me are you supposed to be cutting through the parking lot? I said I don't know, but everyone else is doing it. I started laughing cuz he was laughing and trying to tell me that i just said i do everything with purpose, i don't just follow....and here i am. I understood what he was saying and it was quite funny catching myself being mindless while being profound and its humbling to know that I'm only human. And none of that even really matters, it's more about the relationship i share with this kid and how he feeds this curious side of me. If i don't have an answer for something he asks, we find out together, i don't have to know everything only be willing to find out with him and therein lies a lesson greater than any ego trip i could be on trying to know it all. I'm a lucky dude to have two kids, so completely different, but both just like me in some way, some fulfilling way that life has never given until now, and it was well worth the wait. I hope they know it.

Mid May Morning

I love the fog on mid May mornings, scenes splashed with morning glories and crazy colored daisies. Dew rolling off of everything, and you can see your breath in the air. There's a calm in the silence just beyond the song of the birds, and i feel wrapped in life, held tight by mother nature. I find very few things comforting in this way, but i wait all year to feel it again. To feel human again, renewed by the warm breeze that rolls in to burn away the haze left by dawn. Sometimes i sit on my stoop, and close my eyes momentarily to feel it, take it all in. Or I'll stare at the moon fading into the day, and just wonder with amazement, it wakes the curiosity in me. It encourages the poetry in me to spread itself across a page and paint for you a picture of the unique way in which i see life. I relate lyrics from songs to circumstances in life and recite them to myself, or perhaps create my own soundtrack to it. I meet interesting people everywhere i go and i get some bit of experience out of each and every chance encounter. With every tomorrow comes a new chance to step out of the old, and nothing reminds me of this fact more than a spring morning.

A Little Feverish

Nothing like getting strep throat on the nicest week of the year to date while on vacation.  What a way to spend half my week off, right?  Well, it's all good.  I'm sitting outside on the deck and I just watched the sun set beyond my garage and some trees.  Chemtrails streak the blue sky in every direction and I wonder where the hell all those people are going.  I'm stuck here in my own little world writing to you and the whole world bustles around me, people going about their business.  My business is always the thought at hand, spinning and twirling its way through my thought processes.  No matter where I'm at, being lost in thought is only seconds beyond my reach at any given time.  I can hear the words to a song anp'll solve something I was working out in my head days earlier.  Somebody will say something in a conversation that'll give me an answer to something I was talking about with someone completely different.  And my mind keeps rolling.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm not so stuck in my head that I can't enjoy the beauty around me.  Getting lost in the stars with my son is one of the best things I can think of.  Or taking my Gwendolyn to the park...I've never know laughter like that before. Or to sit in my garage and listen to the wind rustle the leaves on the trees.  And to sit and write as the day turns to night and I get absolutely lost in what I'm telling you. Ah yes, I do fully enjoy the present moment and to find the balance between it and being lost in my own head.  I can appreciate both.  And I can appreciate times like this  when both can come together and make me feel more alive than ever.  Things without sparks something within and the words pour out of me and onto this page what would otherwise get lost among the other thoughts up there.

I know it wasn't much, but that's all I could squeeze out of my sweaty, feverish state.  Not to mention the other 2 I wrote which I decided to scrap.  Oh well.  Hope spring is good to everyone.