Thursday, January 31, 2013
-Henry David Thoreau
Oh, did i previously mention that I'd be featuring my man Henry David quite frequently? Well, i will be, and that's simply because he's said some thangs that have drastically changed the way I think. I've read a lot of things that have affected my thinking, but none in the way this man has.
I'm guilty of thinking negatively from time to time....it's just the way my brain functions. But i do this today nowhere near as much as i used to. I've had to abide by what he's suggesting in this quote. Its been a struggle at times, but i know that i can turn around the way I'm thinking in the drop of a dime. Granted, it never works that way, there is way more footwork to it than that. I won't bore you with those details. But i can tell you that the ways in which I've had to work in order to keep my mind on the right path has been grueling at times. Its easier to pay attention to my thoughts now than it ever was before, and once you can become actively aware of your thoughts you can own them in a way that's really quite empowering.
Its 16° outside and I'm preparing to make my trek into work. No matter how much i complain about the weather, hot our cold, i love walking. I do a lot of walking at work and i can't believe i get paid to do it. My walk from the parking lot to my job is almost a mile in itself one way. As cold as it is, once my legs start moving my brain starts working. It's a beautiful thing.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
So, the first of these two things is an adventure, probably the biggest one my life will see. Now, the first time I brought this idea up it didn't really go over well with anyone, but it's all good. I hadn't intended for it to happen at that time, it was just an idea, a spark necessary to light a fire. And now here I am, 4 years older doing the same shit I don't want to be doing. So, what is it that I do want to do? Why, walk from one end of the country to the other! What else? It's a wild idea, I know. But there are things about me that people just don't get sometimes. I enjoy walking. It allows me time to think and figure things out, and get to know myself. You know, I think most people cannot be alone with themselves, quietly, for that long and it's just an insane idea. I don't have anything mapped out, and I haven't really looked into doing it yet, but I do intend to do it. Why do I bring it up now? Because, I couldn't walk from here to the next town in the state I'm in. My mind nor my body would be prepared for it right now. I intend to change that. I shall keep you updated here on my progress and what's going on. I've put it out there in black and white and there's no ignoring it now.
The second thing I've been wanting to do forever and a day, is to write a book. Something is telling me that these two ideas are related in every way. Would my journey across the United States be book worthy? I think I'm creative enough to make it so. We'll just have to see I suppose. This is something I've already begun to work on. This blog here was my motivation to begin writing once again and to potentially do something with it. Granted, my daily ramblings are only fit for this blog but we'll just call it an exercise. I'm preparing myself for the writing that will actually matter. It may not be my once in a lifetime shot at writing a book but I'm going to treat it as such. And with that I'll continue writing.
There, I've put it out there. I think there's no turning back once I've hit the publish button. Sure, I suppose I could attempt to ignore it but it would bother me until I did something about it so I just side step that altogether. It really is amazing what a person can do when they put their mind to it, and I intend to show people that. Maybe they'll follow along.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Now, I'm not some ancient alien conspiracy freak or anything, but there has got to be some sort of intelligent life form out there somewhere. I think it's probably more likely that there is than there isn't. I can't prove it, of course. On a crisp, dark night when i can see as deep as my eyes will let me, i can't help but to think that we're not alone. Which brings me to a question...if there does turn out to be more intelligent life out there, what will the religious folk say then? I had a conversation at work today with a gentleman who is a hardcore Christain. He's a really good dude, although i admit to thinking he's a bit misguided at times. So he tells me today that it's not possible that more life exists because we are the only children of God. What am i to say to that? No amount of logic or reasoning is going to get through this wall of God he has built up around him. I don't say this to talk about my beliefs on God, that would take a mini-series of posts to explain that. I may actually do that at some point, just not now.
So, what happens to the idea of God and us being chosen people if something else comes into play here? Does that belief just fade away? And if they were wrong about that, what else were they wrong about? It brings up a lot of questions. I've got my answers to them, do you?
Monday, January 28, 2013
I admit it, I'm a fence rider. I am indifferent about a lot of things. Sometimes it irritates people and they just can't understand how it is that i don't care to involve myself in a lot if things. My indifference isn't a lack of caring, it is my conscious choice to let some things go and not worry about them. If i formulated an opinion on everything and stood my ground with a pitbull like tenacity it seems to me that i would be exactly all those things i don't want to be. Pride can be a vicious thing. When one is opinionated they spend countless hours having to defend their positions. How much energy is lost in having to be right all the time? I would much rather conserve my "brain space" for things more constructive.
I don't get into debates with people for the very same reason. I love talking, and believe that conversation is a lost art, but having to prove myself right seems like an uphill battle. I want to know your thoughts and ideas, and i want to share mine, but a debate, to me, isn't to combine ideas and share thoughts in order to raise the awareness of all involved. Nor is it conducive to really helping people understand things. Don't get me wrong, having an opinion about some things is quite practical in making it through life. It is my opinion that nobody in this world should go hungry, but it isn't controversial and I'd imagine most people would agree. There's really no debate to be had.
I am guilty of being an opinionated S.O.B. I'm not preaching here so much as reminding myself. I used to be very vocal about my opinions. It wasn't until i became more aware of myself and how certain situations affect me that i realized i wouldn't shut my mouth long enough to hear anything. I began to take notice of how it affected me physically and it was almost like fight or flight mode, only i was mainly in fight mode. Heart beats faster, palms become sweaty...and i strive to be right instead of calm. It is quite hard to be open-minded when having stern opinions. Today i have ideas, rather than opinions, which I'd like to continue sharing with you. And hopefully along the way you'll share your ideas with me. I'm here to learn how to be human which means i don't have to be right, only alive. So why not take the easier, less traveled road? I am a bit of a heathen, going against the grain and my philosophical ideas make my metaphorical heart beat. It's how i know I'm still kicking.
Do you have ideas?
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
This is a philosophy i live by. I've done my own real life research and i find that i try to entertain my own opinions with some measure of a doubt as well. It's very easy to become closed-minded and get caught up in having the answers all the time. The fact of the matter is, i form opinions very little on a lot of things. We all live by our own philosophies whether we know it or not. Some choose to own it or it owns them. I think that being open-minded is the basis of owning and living you're own philosophy. It's a beautiful thing accepting that i don't have all the answers, nor do i have to. I've found some peace in that.
How do you approach your philosophies in life? I think it's a good question not enough people ask themselves.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Its been a while since I've really written anything at 3 in the a.m. My head feels kind of inebriated from a lack of sleep, too much coffee and not eating right. This is my life. It is very easy to get caught up in identifying myself with what it is that i do to support a family, when all it really is is a way to support my family. This is not where i want to spend the rest of my life, and operating a crane is not what i want to do forever. I'm like a kid in the sense that i don't know what i want to do when i grow up. I haven't known since the dreams of a 15 year old boy had been realized to be impossible. I can't set my sights on anything ever since.
I haven't shaved in almost 5 months, and have needed a haircut for about two. I think my appearance it's starting to blend in with its surroundings. And yes, i am becoming a "beard stroker" as i become lost in thought. Believe it or not, its almost as conducive to good thinking as walking, therapeutic even. If nothing else it keeps the cold off my face this time of year.
I write to find a way through my thoughts, and perhaps i can write to find my way through life. I don't want to be stuck here wasting away while my mind wants to roam a mountain a thousand miles away. I'm not sure for how much longer i can tolerate having a separated mind, body and soul. I feel a change on the horizon and i hope they understand.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
the only life i know is the life i see through my own eyes, and i spend a lot of time trying to express that. sometimes my best thoughts can't be captured, they go as quick as they came. but at night when i close my eyes and think of the stars i know that i'm doing alright. everything seems to make sense.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
One thing i do realize is that I've obtained a lot of shit. 6 years ago I had a lawn mower in it and a shovel. That's about it. Now I've got tools up the ass. Yard tools, mechanics tools, carpentry tools, you name it. It's odd because i never would have imagined myself doing any of these things. I've always been timid about doing things, especially things I've never done before. My old man wouldn't let me touch shit, and he's a jack of all trades. He wouldn't show me anything. It's a damn shame really. But somewhere in the mix i gave in to the idea that i can do things. It's just stuff and can't really be hurt. So, I've taught myself to do a lot of things. I can hang doors and install wooden floors. I can change brakes on the car as well as other things. I can fix bicycles and popped tires. And i never figured I'd do any of that. Here in my mess of a garage i came to the realization that I'm quite capable of doing a lot. I don't credit myself enough.
Yea, big deal, Cracker cleaned his garage. True. But in the process of cleaning this garage i have grown to know myself better. The why of the things i do and the how of the things i am going to do yet. Growing to know yourself and truly understanding it is a long drawn out process. Sometimes i forget I'm still in a stage of growth and change and it becomes hard to see the bigger picture. It's very easy to get caught in a rut and think that THIS is who you are. That you're not going to change and things will stay the same forever. It doesn't work like that whether you're aware or not. You can stand still and everything around you will indeed change over time. Do i want to be a part of that or do i want to let my surroundings do it for me?
It's a simple question, really.
My garage is in order and all my stuff placed in it neatly. Hell, i even swept it out. But the only thing i really gained today was insight. When I'm moving, whether it be my hands or my feet, those wheels in my mind start turning. Just the act of "doing" gets the mind flowing again. I remember the instant this idea had come to me. I was 20 years old, marching down the side of a road with a 60lb. rucksack and an M16 in my hands...go figure. It was at the moment that i became aware of the me that was doing the thinking. For the first time i was able to focus and observe what i was thinking. I mean, when you're in those kinds of conditions you only have two things to do....move your feet and think. I spent a lot of time getting to know myself and what drives me during those 8 weeks. Something i can't forget. I've lost touch with that a little bit in my new world of technology and kids. And here i am, sitting in my quiet, clean garage. I needed this space more than anyone can realize. I see hours and words here in the near future. Not to neglect the noisy things in my life, but to have a place to go and be, and do it well.
And, well, here i be.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Here recently I've come to realize that part of my inspiration problem is due to a lack of solitude. Technology is all well, but I've let it take away from me the one thing that truly helps me think. I mean, wherever I go I am connected. It has made me produce less quality thoughts, I am sure. I am not a great talker, never have been. I do best when I've got time to think. While it has been cool to catch a lot of those fleeting thoughts that come and go, I sure do miss the realizations that happen when you've got quiet in which to think. Sitting in front of a tv expecting to peck something out on my phone that's actually worthwhile is quite an insane thought. At least to me, it is. Its been a pleasure to be hardwired to the internet wherever I may go....from the wide of lands and mountain rages of Yellowstone National Park, right on up to a bathroom stall. I'm guilty, yes. Although, I'd have to say some of my most prized thinking has been done there. I can think of no other place that will guarantee as much solitude. And solitude is what I need.
Sitting here in this chair has revitalized some of my creative energy. It is rather inspiring, I have to admit. When I think about the changes and realizations I've made over the last 8 or 10 years I do have to say that some of the best have happened while sitting in this spot. And it's not so much about the place in which I sit as it is about what I'm doing while I'm sitting. I'm sure I can find a million other places in this world which will offer me some of the greatest inspiration and solitude one can get. But at the moment, I don't have that and it's quite alright. Writing, writing, writing no matter if I wanted to or not, I have produced words whose count does astonish me. All I have ever wanted to do is write. I can think of nothing I enjoy better than when I am feeling absolutely inspired and the words just flow through my fingers so quickly that one might think they were doing the thinking. Yea, that's a great feeling. And that is not to say that the number of words is the accomplishment. Some of the best things worth saying can be done so in a matter of a few words. The point is that I found so many thoughts to be worth writing. From the wireless waves of tech I never could have created such a volume. Would not have been possible.
Why do I find this to be worth writing about? Because it is a part of me in which I've neglected to nourish for a number of years now and it has taken its toll. Through all that I've learned I find that I still need to learn more. I have spent the last couple years wanting to beat my head against a wall because I couldn't buy an original thought. I haven't challenged myself to get off my ass and do something about it and what it gave me were some of the worst years in my recent history. I guess if one were to stop feeding themselves their life would go to shit rather quickly. Most people "out" there don't get it. They concern themselves with everything beyond their own control and hardly knows what lies underneath. I trust that almost anyone who finds this and has read this far does get it. They are probably searching for the same truths in life that I am. How can one know a truth about anything beyond the tips of their fingers if they don't even know their own self first? And my true goal in all that I read, write, see and hear is to have a better understanding of the one person that I can understand. Life may not be perfect, and I may not be the best at anything I do, but there is one thing I do know. I know myself, and I know my thoughts. This is quite an accomplishment considering most media out there is trying to steal both right out from under you.
What do you know about yourself? What is it that has pushed you far in any endeavor you have taken on? What has brought you here?