Abecedarian

I forced myself out into the light of day, and I definitely needed it.  My blue eyes have always been sensitive to light, but more so today for the dark I'd been sitting in was vicious. Although I'm not out the woods, so to speak, I have let a few things leak from the closet. The weight on my chest had been lifted and, quite possibly, my apathy is going up in smoke with it.

In a minute. 

First, let me finish. I got lost for what seemed infinite. About to take off I caught a glimpse of my own image, realizing that with dawn comes a new beginning. Pretty simple shit and it is easier said than done, we all know. In some way, shape or form I think that anybody even reading this silliness just knows. 

Am I write?

As the saying goes, "woe is me."  Boo hoo, bitch you've been given a golden ticket in my life and she goes by the name of Gwendolyn. Really, both of my kids but her in particular. She's one with my soul and when I need her most, with her silly faces and sayings, she saves me from my own head. Always there, at the top of the stairs waiting when I get home, and the greatest thing is she has no idea she's doing it. With her signature little pink bow, it's inescapable the way it changes things in an instant.

Only a handful of times have I experienced instances that, quite frankly, make me shiver, every fiber of my body standing on end, tingling.  I do believe in mere coincidence, but more than that I think people have underlying connections.  The handful of true friends I do have this week have proven to truly be so.  Each one has reached out to me and didn't know that I actually needed it.  As well, EVERYONE here that has written to me, or of me.  Sometimes life is ugly, and for whatever reason it needs to be that way.

And it's alright.

Change Ain't Easy

Life is an incessant string of ups and down hastily pasted together, and in the flurry I sometimes become overwhelmed so I take the quickest course to the darkest place I know.  I just want to be alone, but being alone isn't always good, for me.  A drug induced coma and three weeks pass that I don't remember.

That was the point.

Somehow I managed to grab hold of something to stop me from spiraling so far out of control that I couldn't get back.  Now I'm paying for it physically, and mentally I don't quite know what to do.  I mean, I'll carry on as always, but what next?  I am a firm believer that we make our own fate, but right now I'm having a hard time believing in me, or anything, really.  I've coasted thus far and I'm surprised I've lasted this long to be quite honest.  People like me have a hard time accepting the mundane, and in return I'm labeled with a sickness.  Because I can't abide by people's rules, or follow the lead of every other father/husband, there must be something wrong with me.  I struggle as if I were strapped to a bed, and the white walls of life close in around me.  I just feel dead inside.

I won't dwell in this state for too long, I know what it can do to me.  It's time to pull up my britches, quit being a bitch, and do something about this monster lingering within.  Have you ever slain a dragon?  I have, and it's harder when it's of your own making.  What I've created is a place where I've alienated myself from everything, and everyone, around me.  Built up a wall, reinforced by the spite I have for myself, on a firm foundation of self loathing.  All so that people can't see what I see in me.  Anger and disdain.  A fear of putting myself out on a limb.  Hell, I do some crazy shit without thinking twice but I can't force myself to take a step forward, possibly toward a whole new life.

Why is it so hard to be good to ourselves?

I'm at a fork in the road with no insight on which way to go.  Empty handed and at the end of my rope, only time will tell on which road I'll go.  I do know one thing, I can't go back.  I need to do something different from that which I'd normally do.

I'm certain of one thing.  I am going to make it.