Saturday, May 17, 2014

Change Ain't Easy



Life is an incessant string of ups and down hastily pasted together, and in the flurry I sometimes become overwhelmed so I take the quickest course to the darkest place I know.  I just want to be alone, but being alone isn't always good, for me.  A drug induced coma and three weeks pass that I don't remember.

That was the point.

Somehow I managed to grab hold of something to stop me from spiraling so far out of control that I couldn't get back.  Now I'm paying for it physically, and mentally I don't quite know what to do.  I mean, I'll carry on as always, but what next?  I am a firm believer that we make our own fate, but right now I'm having a hard time believing in me, or anything, really.  I've coasted thus far and I'm surprised I've lasted this long to be quite honest.  People like me have a hard time accepting the mundane, and in return I'm labeled with a sickness.  Because I can't abide by people's rules, or follow the lead of every other father/husband, there must be something wrong with me.  I struggle as if I were strapped to a bed, and the white walls of life close in around me.  I just feel dead inside.

I won't dwell in this state for too long, I know what it can do to me.  It's time to pull up my britches, quit being a bitch, and do something about this monster lingering within.  Have you ever slain a dragon?  I have, and it's harder when it's of your own making.  What I've created is a place where I've alienated myself from everything, and everyone, around me.  Built up a wall, reinforced by the spite I have for myself, on a firm foundation of self loathing.  All so that people can't see what I see in me.  Anger and disdain.  A fear of putting myself out on a limb.  Hell, I do some crazy shit without thinking twice but I can't force myself to take a step forward, possibly toward a whole new life.

Why is it so hard to be good to ourselves?

I'm at a fork in the road with no insight on which way to go.  Empty handed and at the end of my rope, only time will tell on which road I'll go.  I do know one thing, I can't go back.  I need to do something different from that which I'd normally do.

I'm certain of one thing.  I am going to make it.

8 comments:

  1. I don't have any doubt that you won't, because I can see that in you. But it doesn't make the now any easier.
    I'm not much help but I hope you find support here and I hope you know that I feel for you, we all know those forks in the road and moments we find ourselves at a loss.
    Hang in there, my thoughts and best wishes to you.
    All my love xx

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  2. I loved this text. Because it was something profound. The description of the state you were in, the struggle, it was profound writing. I think we need to accept that what is right for one person might not be right for the other (sounds lame, but there seem to be some society standards most people have internalized without even questioning; but stability is an illusion, calm does not work for anyone (and relaxation does not relax everyone nor might "accepting" or letting go be the right way for all of us, and damn any self-help quotes!) and some need to change, to move, to run, constantly, just to feel alive. And although it is a cliché, some are fighters, poets, dreamers and they need to live according to different rules and principles, and I think as long as we try not hurt people or let them down, this is a good thing!

    Keep writing Ryan, and yes, I, too, am certain that your will make it!

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    1. Thanks, Lilly. I know you get it, and I'm definitely not alone. I live and learn on the fly, I'm not one for plans and strict directions. It's definitely not for everyone, and it sometimes makes people want to force my hand which, if you know me, ain't gonna happen. I can be a stubborn motherfucker, which is why I refuse to fucking quit.

      I will keep writing.

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  3. You are right.. change is never easy... I'm going through one of those 180 degree changes. Hardest change of my life...

    I'm sure you will come through... it's too bad we couldn't take the easier path.. I have to learn the hard way too..

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    1. I do make it harder on myself than it needs to be sometimes, indeed. Gotta do something different.

      Thanks for reading.

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  4. I'll repeat what Lilly said - keep writing! And know that this is only a phase and you will feel better again (as you said yourself. I have been reading your recent posts, and even when you describe the darkness you always seem to have the awareness that it is only temporary). So hard to see when we are in it. I hit rock bottom a while ago, and then one day something just switched. I hope you'll be back here soon with your honest writing. Thank you so much for your comment! Marina

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