Saturday, July 27, 2013

A little subconscious

My mind is all over the place lately, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.  I like to watch it wander sometimes, from a distance.   To become the one doing the observing is key.  I wonder,  in amazement, at the wandering that goes on.  Stepping back and seeing the subconcious work and react to life, it's almost an out of body experience.  The first time I realized this, about eleven years ago,  I was beside myself in awe at the way the world suddenly appeared.  I suppose we can call this an epiphany of a sort.  Now, dont miss take what I'm saying as some new age wackadoo stuff, and its fine if thats what you're into, but the brain functions on all kinds of different levels so there has to be some physiological reason behind it.  I believe there are reasons for everything, and I don't mean some mystical reasons out there somewhere, something we cannot see or know, there is a real, logical reason for everything even if I don't understand it.  I'm a little off track here, it would seem, because I write the way my subconcious thinks and I do believe it's part of what makes my writing a little different.  I just let it flow, and it does, from one thing to the next. Effortlessly the words pour out and before I know it, I'm sitting there wondering where it came from, and then it comes back to me.  A simple "Ah ha!" moment and it all makes sense.

And that was a mouthful, I will admit, but it's summer and I have been doing what I do best, asking questions and finding answers.  It has become apparent to me that I enjoy pain.  You know, pain kind of makes you feel alive, and I do believe that to a certain extent it's fairly normal, but I have an affinity for it, I tend to push all limits to see how far they'll go.  The truth is they tend to stretch pretty far, so I push it further still,  and the world goes round.

My most recent question to myself "What impact do we as individuals really make in this world?"  If life as I know it ceases to exist after death my time here is all that really ever mattered.  What did I do with it?  Did I make a difference in the way people think?  Maybe not many, but even a couple.  Nothing really carries on but the only thing we can't actually see, our thoughts and ideas.  Haha, for a man that needs concrete, physical proof of anything to look to something as abstract as his thoughts to carry him on is, well, rather ironic.  And so my logic goes...

There'll be more to follow, I am sure.


  1. I hope you always seek answers, a curious nature is always good for the world. Well said. =]

  2. Your writing is a stream of consciousness. You reminded me of a random conversation I had with a stranger a few weeks ago. I was reading my Murakami book and someone approached me and sat next to me and talked about Molly Bloom's soliloquy in Ulysses (a narrative written in a stream of consciousness).

    I like your ideas, that there is a logical reason for everything but we as human beings do not have the intellectual capacity to understand it fully. Finally, I too think, that the point of our individual lives is to simply enjoy life and be connected with others (with the hope that our life mattered to someone, even if only a small handful of people or only one person, or even a pet).

  3. What if life isn't about changing anything. I spent 23 years thinking I needed to change the world or my life was a waste. In my 24th year I was convinced to start enjoying it instead of trying to figure it all out and change it. I finally feel like I'm living, and while I will always be a "dreamer", one to ponder and question and run for miles as I try to process life, I feel like I'm finally happy being me.. happy being alive right now, in today, whether today changes anyone or anything, or whether it just makes me sigh as the sun goes down and say "damn, life is good".
    Just some thoughts...
    not sure how you found me, but I like your writing too!
    (and I just read Lea's post... yes yes and yes)