Sunday, November 17, 2013

I'm Bad (and by that I mean good)

Sunday November 17, 2013

Two days earlier it was 19 degrees outside and today it hit the mid 60's, the sky opened up and just dumped massive amounts of rain.  Tornadoes touched down and I would have swore nothing could match the way I been feeling inside.  Emotions tumbling around clapping like thunder, the intensity been kinda shocking, lightning burns in my veins.  Tears wash it all away and when it's over suddenly you get a new perspective on the way reality reigns.  It goes with the territory, I swallowed the red pill a long time ago.  I've been unable to put it into words, staring at this blank page for next to 13 hours, I almost don't have enough of a vocabulary to describe what I'm saying.  Sometimes I hear what I'm saying and what I'm saying starts to sound a little crazy, but I hold onto that, it's a pinch so I know I'm still kickin.  On the way in to work this morning I saw this huge tumbleweed rolling along, and I made notice to the guy walking next to me.  "Hey, look, it's a fuckin tumbleweed." I blurted out.  I caught myself laughing at my unexpected excitement at seeing a big ball of weeds.  It can serve as a good metaphor, sometimes I feel lonely, like I'm roaming a dry desert floor.  Please don't resent my efforts to maintain some level of sanity, like I'm holding it all together with sticks and glue, the shit really isn't working out.  Sometimes I'm just a mess, cigarette stained fingers, and coffee drips on my t-shirt, a weed burning introvert lurks beneath the surface.  Absent mindedly I run my fingers through my messy hair, as if trying to pull thoughts from my head.  And when finally I've stopped trying, it all just comes to me and the words and the paper just sort themselves out.  And, by the way, I wrote this first by hand, it felt so God damn freeing, pen and pad.  Try it some time soon.


  1. Ah I envy this, I stare at a blank page for days, even weeks and still can only come up with a few sentences.
    Always is the best feeling when the words finally flow!
    Hope you're taking care, much love xx

    1. That blank page can seem kinda maniacal with its deadpan stare gaping at me wildly. I like it when I conquer and come out on top. :)

  2. I have no problem writing what I feel... but I am not sure I could do it free hand today. I type so much faster than I write and I can read it when I am finished... with writing free hand, I would not be able to say that... :)

    I know of these feelings you have where there is turmoil inside like nothing you can see outside... It's hard to feel those feelings sometimes...

  3. "cigarette stained fingers, and coffee drips on my t-shirt, a weed burning introvert lurks beneath the surface. Absent mindedly I run my fingers through my messy hair, as if trying to pull thoughts from my head." oddly enough, what draws me to other humans are their flaws...perhaps because all those 'flaws' makes you relatable? although, none of what you said seem like blemishes to me, i'd prefer to call them endearing attributes.

    ps. i almost always have a coffee stain on my shirts too... :)

  4. Nice flow...I love writing it out first and have not been doing this as much as I'd like, but a couple weeks back or maybe one week I did. It was like years ago, being in the shower and a flood of thoughts would come to me often, which doesn't happen like it used to and when I stepped out of the shower, I went straight for my notebook and pen and just wrote and let the disjointed and disorganized thoughts come out. It felt do damn good. At some point, some of those thoughts will make it to the screen and sometimes they just remain there--and I remind myself that's ok and maybe another day or another year...

    I love tumbleweed, but only see it when we head out on certain road trips.

  5. It's quite ironic that you use the tumbleweed/person metaphor. I was talking with a classmate the other day and she said her mom moved them around a lot as a youngster because her mom was a tumbleweed. That's the first time I had ever heard that analogy and then here three days later I see it in a blog post. Isn't it crazy how the world works sometimes?? I don't think there are any accidents.