Saturday, November 30, 2013

Pensive

I just made a cup of coffee and I used cream, only the powdered kind, and a little bit of sugar.  That's how I used to drink it, seems like ages ago.  At some point I cut out the cream and went black with sugar but when I joined the army, there wasn't any fixing that shit.  It was always in the standard issue stainless steel pot which I think they never emptied, only added more the next day.  Additives only made it worse so I got used to drinking it black, and I eventually acquired the taste for just black coffee, as I get older my tastes change.  I somehow manage to remember these minute details about my life, like when and how I changed the way I drink my coffee.  And then I manage to relate it to something currently going on in my life, rather my head.  Just an observation.

I don't mind change or seeing things a different way, from a different perspective, it can make old things seem new once again.  A different angle can show us a facet we've never seen.  Some people ask me how I can let go of emotions so easily.  Emotions are an instinctual reaction to whatever is happening, but most people dwell on those and can't let go.  If I'm angry or sad, even happy, I know that there is a reason for it, there always is.  It has taken me a very long time to get to this point where I can allow myself to feel something, understand it for what it is and move along.  I'm no longer a flash flood of reactions, rather like molasses, the time to decide how to act doesn't pass me.  

I like to think I have a good understanding of people, sometimes I take advantage of it but I use it mostly for good, I say that with a devilish grin.  I'm an extroverted introvert by definition, I swear, look them up.  I concern myself with everything around me but I internalize most of it, I think about things and then I let go of em.    My thoughts are like dough, I roll then around and play with them with the intent to create something. I share ideas with people as if they were a valuable currency,to me ideas are priceless, and their worth is whatever we choose to make of them.  I always like to bring a post full circle in a short display of the crazy way everything is connected.  A dude at work today told me "I like working with you.  You're always down to chill and there's always coffee on."  I absolutely say this with every humble fiber in my body, it made me smile inside.  Naturally I acted like my normal self and brushed it off without being rude, but it was cool.  Haha, it probably helps that I'm always down to run the crane and help out, but that's how I was shown by the old timers.  We hang out and break first then we ALL go to work and get our shit done cuz when the shit hits the fan around here there's pretty much no more breaking for the day, haha.  Those old timers had their shit together, and they stuck together, anymore it's every man for themselves and it's a fucking shame.  I refuse though, I know I can be a stubborn motherfucker but it ain't in me to be a punk like that.  You have people with great paying jobs act like this place and everyone in it owes them something just for being here.  I don't get it, I can't forget where I come from and even though my dad has been an asshole he's always been a hard worker, and there's some pride in that.  I even think it's safe to say at this point I've forgiven the man, even if more for my own sanity.  Whatever he was when I was growing up isn't who he is now even if it is only circumstantial.  And by that I mean I don't know if he's actually changed or if it's only because he physically and mentally can't pick on me anymore.  It's doesn't even matter the reason, it is what it is.  Even though he's never told me he's proud of me I'd like to think that somewhere under the facade he is, I don't know.  Life goes on as I drift from topic to topic, it's all related.

Everything and nothing all at once.

My coffee's getting cold.

16 comments:

  1. indeed it's all real-ated,
    on a side note, i switched from coffee to tea when i started living indoors..
    love to a brother <3

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    1. Haha, when you started living indoors. Good to see you, Sadie.

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  2. I like when you tell stories of your work and how you compared your thoughts to dough... fucking brilliant. I wish I wasn't such a flash flood of emotions but I guess that's something I feel as if I am aware of, so now I just need to find ways to turn them into molasses as you said. I'm a work in progress. I don't expect shit to happen over night. although sometimes i can be a little princess, meaning when it all becomes defeating... I give up. a lot if times it feels easier to forget things rather than to change them... does that make any sense? (I haven't had my morning cup of joe yet)

    the way you say things and the ideas you have anyways intrigue the hell out of me. you're an interesting dude, Ryan.

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    1. Eventually change becomes the easy way, and giving up is no longer an option because you're aware that there is another way. Sometimes you just gotta stop being afraid.

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  3. You write so interestingly... I got the thing about forgiving your father more for yourself, I had to forgive my ex step mother for her abuse too... not for her at all but just for me.

    Great thoughts that made me have many of my own...

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    1. Thanks, ideas are best when shared.

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  4. I love the way you described emotions.
    I feel I can somewhat relate to your dad relationship from this post. The difference - I'm his little girl. You're his grown working son.
    He's proud. I'm sure of it. c:

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  5. You're right, at the end of the day everything's related. The way we think, the actions, things that happen to us, things we write about. The jumbled up synchronicity is the beauty it withholds. Extroverted introvert, I liked that part, somewhere resembles me, I mean you're surely the kind who's loud and happening one in the crowd, but everything that's inside is sealed without emotions.
    Being emotionless is a bliss, at least it turns out that way to me, guess you like that too.
    Army. didn't know about that. You've sounded like someone in the position of CEOs or Management thing. But that apart, thoughts though may seem scrambled, they end up at a joint conjuncture. Takes me a while to figure the link out too, but yes, its all in there, so connected that despite being right in the front, it seems disguised.

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    1. I wasn't ignoring this, I actually intended to wait until I could properly respond, then I forgot. Haha, I am not the happening one in the crowd. I tend to stay quiet and just soak it all in. The CEO thing made me smile... I'm just a regular everyday dude, I get dirty for a living. There IS always a link. Thanks for the response.

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  6. Someone told me about the difference in Japanese and American culture, when talking in groups. Americans are quick to respond and try to relate to the story with a quip about themselves, and then you kinda just kick the ball back and forth. Japanese don't. They wait. And listen. And listen some more. So. I'm not going to relate. But drink your coffee before it gets cold because powdered cream can't fix that.

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    1. ps, i'm not japanese. but you know that already.

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    3. Oh I don't eat real sushi. I eat the fried stuff. Stuffed with cream cheese and jalapeños and cooked crab. Merica.

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  7. I can most certainly relate to the forgiveness of your father. It took me many years but I finally forgave mine too. Reminds me of the quote "forgiving someone is like setting a prisoner free and realizing that the prisoner was you"

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  8. Enjoyed reading this. I think I'm too emotional sometimes, yet I wouldn't change it. But sometimes I wish that I could let thoughts go. I tend to dwell on things and will play them over and over until I make myself sick. Sometimes I envy men because they seem good at keeping their emotions in check and moving on.

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