Flipping The Script

Here recently life has changed in a very odd way for me. For as long as I can remember I have been the black sheep within any circle I join, whether it be family or otherwise. I take my own approach to almost everything I do, and my outlook on most things is different than the majority of the people I've come into contact with in my life. So, Ryan does and thinks about things in his own way, very surprising, right? Seriously though, it wasn't until this last 8 or 9 months that I've grown to accept some things about myself that I have been beaten down over, which I now see is mainly my own doing. There has been an influence on the way I view myself, little pieces that I've taken along with me from all the bad shit I've ever been told about me, and over time it became my own view of who I am. Its never been about anyone else....well, not since I've been in the place where I could separate myself from those people. Since the moment I became free of them it has been my choice of whether or not to hold on, and whether or not I actually knew at that time, I did hold on. I've been holding on to those old ideas for a very long time now and the point has come where I could no longer do so and live happily. I am what I am, and I am happy with it, so people are going to accept some of it. At least, this is what I was telling myself.

Now, somehow, here I am on the other side of all that and all of a sudden Ryan is no longer the family scapegoat. Me calling myself out on my own bullshit in the face of everyone caused a curious chain reaction, one I didn't see coming. It wasn't like a meeting with family and friends and everyone started spilling their guts. I've been sharing a little bit more of myself with some of the people around me, on an individual basis, and not necessarily the same things with the same people. It's almost as if it has sparked something in them that created a desire to change. Mind you, all I've done at this point was share some of my own personal shit that I keep guarded, hidden from the masses, my own shit to wallow in when I feel the need. I don't ever talk to people as if THEY need to do this or that, I only ever speak of my own experience, as I do here. So, in a matter of a few months I went from being the black sheep, the one that's always fucked up, to the one that isn't so fucked up after all. And everyone started putting all their shit out there to me and the whole thing just seemed rather twilight zone-ish.

This isn't about me being any better off than anyone else and I don't wish for it to sound that way. I only ever intended to help myself in this situation, as selfish as it might sound, it's the truth. At the same time, I know that the best way to influence other people isn't by talking, it's by acting and showing as proof of what you say. It becomes a relief when you accept who you are and decide that it doesn't matter if anyone else likes it or not. Putting myself out here was just the first step in trying to open myself up in face to face life. And I have been doing more of the latter, which I think is why I've been writing a little less, which is fine, I'm always about finding the balance even if trying is only as far as I'll ever get. Before all action is intention and we'll never get anywhere without it. So, if you're thinking about doing something, keep thinking about it and eventually you'll be forced to do it. In my experience, at least.

I believe...

....that pizza is the most awesome food on earth. ...that spring mornings in the middle of May are my favorite of the whole year. ...that to tell someone something is wrong with them can quite possibly be the worst thing you can do to a person. ...that growing up simply means becoming more comfortable in your own skin, whatever that might require. ...that laughing uncontrollably with your kids can be topped by no other experience. ...that friends can grow close no matter how far apart they are. ...that i might be able to compile a list like this no matter how silly i feel. ..that to tell someone something is wrong with them can also be the best thing you can do for a person. Obviously this is not an original idea, but a good one nonetheless.

Solitude and some other ramblings...

Solitude is my gracious companion on late nights such as tonight.  When there is nobody else to turn to I have to finally take a look within to see what's stirring.  I've found that I don't work well within routines and the like, and try to find solitude is like trying to solve an unsolvable mystery.  And, as it turns out, there are plenty of opportunities throughout the day in which to find my good friend if only I take a minte to look.  I now have a better means of writing here than trying to peck some shit out on a little three inch screen, and the best part is that it's mobile.  I have arrived in 2013, y'all!  Perhaps it'll mean some better thoughts as it sit with myself on nights, quiet, with stillness in the air.  It's still 55 degrees outside and I, for one, am enjoying it, even though it is 12:30 in the a.m.  My head feels kinda light as I write by the light of the moon.  It shines above reminding me of the dark nights in the army, praying that the moon would be in full force so that you could actually see what you were doing.  Those days are so long ago now that it almost seems like it was the life of another person, and I guess I've changed so much that it sort of was.  I hardly feel like that was me, but I can say that I think I've finally stopped feeling like a kid.  The body grows and ages so quickly that the mind doesn't always have time to keep up and you're left at the age of 30 wondering where the hell the time even went.  Perhaps this doesn't happen to everyone, but I hardly think I'm unique in that its taken a long time for this change to occur.  Growing up is painful and it's a process that I think never stops, at least for me it won't.  I thrive on the experience of being uncomfortable and having to embrace humility in the face of ridicule.  It turns out, the greatest ridicule comes from within, and that kinda brings this whole thing full circle.  I always say that everything is related to everything else somehow.  I am inspired tonight by a friend who asks all the right questions and forces me to think.  You see, I have always been the one doing this in other people and it seems that after 31 years I've stumbled upon someone with balls enough to ask me, and make me dig.  It's all part of my process.  Often times people don't even see the how I come to the conclusions I come to, and believe it or not they are oddly similar to my writing.  One thought leads to the next and the next and before you know it I'm back where I started only this time I have a clearer view.  You may understand because I believe that you all reading here catch glimpses of it, but most of the people that "know" me don't really know me.  There are times I sit in a room full of family and friends and I feel alone, and the only thing greeting me with open arms is solitude.  Today I'm comfortable with the uncomfortable and I think I'm better off for it.  If nothing else, nobody will ever say I failed in life because I didn't think enough....haha.  I think it's time to call it a night.

Springing Thoughts

Spring has sprung as I sit on this balcony taking in as much as I can.  Coffee cup sitting next to me with steam spilling over the rim gives me a boost without ever taking a sip.  It invites me to let to let my ideas flow, and roll, over the edge of my being and onto this page so that you might have an idea what I see.  The creek next to me rushes with the water of recent rains and it's kind of calming.  The grass is green and the trees seem like they're beginning to show some signs of life.  It's that time of year when life is given back to all those that waited patiently.  I wait, somewhat patiently...

I'm beginning to become more comfortable with my surroundings and it's easier to get through each day.  I thought that lonely dread would never go away, and while it still hasn't, it has begun to subside.  Learning to live life all over, in a completely different way has got to be one of the most challenging things I can imagine.  I did it once before going from roaming the streets to marching in cadance with a hundred other souls out of sorts.  It wasn't easy, but I did it.  Reinventing yourself when you've grown used to your old ways is tough, and it takes a bit of humility, which I am learning to embrace.  It's oddly familiar.

We don't always know where life is taking us and I'm finding that it's ok.  Walking into the fear of the unknown is proving to be the way to go.  If I were to sit, and wait for everything to present itself BEFORE I make a decision, I'll become stagnant and stale.  That's easier said than done, now, don't get me wrong.  I have by no means learned the best way in which to take life.  I really have no ideas aside from just taking it as it comes and rolling with it.  I think that's one of the things I'm good at in life, just rolling with it.  I never know the weather until I walk out the door...I don't need to know everything all at once.  Where's the fun in that?

So, what's spring doing for you?

Inspired Moments Of Truth

My days are thick with uncertainty, as of right now I'm homeless. I mean, i have a place to lay my head down and sleep but beyond that I've got nothing. I feel like a bum living out of my car roaming to kill time in between work and the kids. It's hard, and its scary but in between moments of doubt i have stretches of confidence that I'm doing the right thing. Life has a whole new perspective for me right now, I'm vulnerable and uncomfortable and as much as i don't like it, i do. I've got some things to work out for myself, and I'm confident i will, it'll just take some time. I move forward. It hasn't been all dark and depressing, I've had moments of simple bliss leading to hours of dreamy realities. My inspiration to write has me bursting at the seams with rhymes and punch lines. Things have rolled off the poetic assembly line in my head at a rate I've never seen. Granted, i haven't been writing here, but i have been writing, indeed. These moments of pure inspiration are fleeting, as always. They loan to us few precious moments in which to delve deep into ourselves and see what we come up with. I've learned more about myself through my writing than anyone may ever know. That's why i throw it all on the line, my pain, my joy, my sadness and laughter all those things in life that have defined who i am, i throw the dice. We only get a brief visit with these emotions on high, coursing through our veins. I intend to make use, and that's what i do here. I sort out my thoughts in this random, messy style you see here, and some enjoy to read it, even. Flushing my soul to make room for something more, and through this process here recently I've gained exponentially. I can't begin to describe the things I've seen only by opening my eyes, whoever thought it was so simple? Simple bliss has shown me a few things...a few, wonderfully colored, every day, simple things that are utterly enjoyable, or can be if i slow down. Time is creeping by right now and walking into the darkness is kinda enlightening, you feel me?

Does This Count?

Dr.Suess and Hardcore Discipline

Today, Isaac and i were teaching Gwendolyn about rhyming words, and she loved it. We talk a lot in the car, the kids and i, and i was telling her how to rhyme words and she picked it up instantly...most times she's in too much of a whirlwind to listen, but in the car seat she can't escape! And then she asked me about Green Eggs and Ham, implying that there are rhyming words in it. We read that often...always Dr. Suess and those wild range of characters. Those were my favorite books when i was kid, I've always been fascinated with rhyming words, it's a part of me. It's real cool. Oh, and we also learned that Gwendolyn can clean up her own messy room, and all i had to do was be there to direct here, keep her focused. I said "who cleaned the room?" "me and you, daddy." "nope, i didn't touch anything, you did it by yourself." And a high five was in order, then she cleaned the living room of her stuff too. And all it takes is a little bit of time. Thanks Dr. Suess