Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Solitude and some other ramblings...

Solitude is my gracious companion on late nights such as tonight.  When there is nobody else to turn to I have to finally take a look within to see what's stirring.  I've found that I don't work well within routines and the like, and try to find solitude is like trying to solve an unsolvable mystery.  And, as it turns out, there are plenty of opportunities throughout the day in which to find my good friend if only I take a minte to look.  I now have a better means of writing here than trying to peck some shit out on a little three inch screen, and the best part is that it's mobile.  I have arrived in 2013, y'all!  Perhaps it'll mean some better thoughts as it sit with myself on nights, quiet, with stillness in the air.  It's still 55 degrees outside and I, for one, am enjoying it, even though it is 12:30 in the a.m.  My head feels kinda light as I write by the light of the moon.  It shines above reminding me of the dark nights in the army, praying that the moon would be in full force so that you could actually see what you were doing.  Those days are so long ago now that it almost seems like it was the life of another person, and I guess I've changed so much that it sort of was.  I hardly feel like that was me, but I can say that I think I've finally stopped feeling like a kid.  The body grows and ages so quickly that the mind doesn't always have time to keep up and you're left at the age of 30 wondering where the hell the time even went.  Perhaps this doesn't happen to everyone, but I hardly think I'm unique in that its taken a long time for this change to occur.  Growing up is painful and it's a process that I think never stops, at least for me it won't.  I thrive on the experience of being uncomfortable and having to embrace humility in the face of ridicule.  It turns out, the greatest ridicule comes from within, and that kinda brings this whole thing full circle.  I always say that everything is related to everything else somehow.  I am inspired tonight by a friend who asks all the right questions and forces me to think.  You see, I have always been the one doing this in other people and it seems that after 31 years I've stumbled upon someone with balls enough to ask me, and make me dig.  It's all part of my process.  Often times people don't even see the how I come to the conclusions I come to, and believe it or not they are oddly similar to my writing.  One thought leads to the next and the next and before you know it I'm back where I started only this time I have a clearer view.  You may understand because I believe that you all reading here catch glimpses of it, but most of the people that "know" me don't really know me.  There are times I sit in a room full of family and friends and I feel alone, and the only thing greeting me with open arms is solitude.  Today I'm comfortable with the uncomfortable and I think I'm better off for it.  If nothing else, nobody will ever say I failed in life because I didn't think enough....haha.  I think it's time to call it a night.


  1. finding someone who seeks the answers to your poetry... ive been told it's a rare trait to embody.

    your thought process is always amusing to observe :)

    ps. welcome to the era of the tablet xx

  2. Solitude. Nothing beats it. And sitting in it...the discomfort of it, sometimes makes you a stronger person and builds character. Great post....

  3. I think honestly, a lot of bad stuff happens in life that is out of our control, but deep suffering we bring onto ourselves. I think growing up means taking full responsibility for your feelings, emotions, and actions. I strongly believe that there is no destiny and no dead ends in life... someone I care for deeply said that to me once, and I have taken it to be my life's motto.

    I also feel quite alone with the people closest to me, and feel a deeper closeness through words instead... which is why blogging is so enjoyable for me, as it makes me feel more connected to others... and therefore not completely alone.