Here recently life has changed in a very odd way for me. For as long as I can remember I have been the black sheep within any circle I join, whether it be family or otherwise. I take my own approach to almost everything I do, and my outlook on most things is different than the majority of the people I've come into contact with in my life. So, Ryan does and thinks about things in his own way, very surprising, right? Seriously though, it wasn't until this last 8 or 9 months that I've grown to accept some things about myself that I have been beaten down over, which I now see is mainly my own doing. There has been an influence on the way I view myself, little pieces that I've taken along with me from all the bad shit I've ever been told about me, and over time it became my own view of who I am. Its never been about anyone else....well, not since I've been in the place where I could separate myself from those people. Since the moment I became free of them it has been my choice of whether or not to hold on, and whether or not I actually knew at that time, I did hold on. I've been holding on to those old ideas for a very long time now and the point has come where I could no longer do so and live happily. I am what I am, and I am happy with it, so people are going to accept some of it. At least, this is what I was telling myself.
Now, somehow, here I am on the other side of all that and all of a sudden Ryan is no longer the family scapegoat. Me calling myself out on my own bullshit in the face of everyone caused a curious chain reaction, one I didn't see coming. It wasn't like a meeting with family and friends and everyone started spilling their guts. I've been sharing a little bit more of myself with some of the people around me, on an individual basis, and not necessarily the same things with the same people. It's almost as if it has sparked something in them that created a desire to change. Mind you, all I've done at this point was share some of my own personal shit that I keep guarded, hidden from the masses, my own shit to wallow in when I feel the need. I don't ever talk to people as if THEY need to do this or that, I only ever speak of my own experience, as I do here. So, in a matter of a few months I went from being the black sheep, the one that's always fucked up, to the one that isn't so fucked up after all. And everyone started putting all their shit out there to me and the whole thing just seemed rather twilight zone-ish.
This isn't about me being any better off than anyone else and I don't wish for it to sound that way. I only ever intended to help myself in this situation, as selfish as it might sound, it's the truth. At the same time, I know that the best way to influence other people isn't by talking, it's by acting and showing as proof of what you say. It becomes a relief when you accept who you are and decide that it doesn't matter if anyone else likes it or not. Putting myself out here was just the first step in trying to open myself up in face to face life. And I have been doing more of the latter, which I think is why I've been writing a little less, which is fine, I'm always about finding the balance even if trying is only as far as I'll ever get. Before all action is intention and we'll never get anywhere without it. So, if you're thinking about doing something, keep thinking about it and eventually you'll be forced to do it. In my experience, at least.