Its been a while since I've really written anything at 3 in the a.m. My head feels kind of inebriated from a lack of sleep, too much coffee and not eating right. This is my life. It is very easy to get caught up in identifying myself with what it is that i do to support a family, when all it really is is a way to support my family. This is not where i want to spend the rest of my life, and operating a crane is not what i want to do forever. I'm like a kid in the sense that i don't know what i want to do when i grow up. I haven't known since the dreams of a 15 year old boy had been realized to be impossible. I can't set my sights on anything ever since.
I haven't shaved in almost 5 months, and have needed a haircut for about two. I think my appearance it's starting to blend in with its surroundings. And yes, i am becoming a "beard stroker" as i become lost in thought. Believe it or not, its almost as conducive to good thinking as walking, therapeutic even. If nothing else it keeps the cold off my face this time of year.
I write to find a way through my thoughts, and perhaps i can write to find my way through life. I don't want to be stuck here wasting away while my mind wants to roam a mountain a thousand miles away. I'm not sure for how much longer i can tolerate having a separated mind, body and soul. I feel a change on the horizon and i hope they understand.