Thursday, January 24, 2013

3 a.m.

Its been a while since I've really written anything at 3 in the a.m.  My head feels kind of inebriated from a lack of sleep, too much coffee and not eating right.  This is my life.  It is very easy to get caught up in identifying myself with what it is that i do to support a family, when all it really is is a way to support my family.  This is not where i want to spend the rest of my life, and operating a crane is not what i want to do forever.  I'm like a kid in the sense that i don't know what i want to do when i grow up.  I haven't known since the dreams of a 15 year old boy had been realized to be impossible.  I can't set my sights on anything ever since.

I haven't shaved in almost 5 months, and have needed a haircut for about two.  I think my appearance it's starting to blend in with its surroundings.  And yes, i am becoming a "beard stroker" as i become lost in thought.  Believe it or not, its almost as conducive to good thinking as walking, therapeutic even.  If nothing else it keeps the cold off my face this time of year.

I write to find a way through my thoughts, and perhaps i can write to find my way through life.  I don't want to be stuck here wasting away while my mind wants to roam a mountain a thousand miles away.  I'm not sure for how much longer i can tolerate having a separated mind, body and soul.  I feel a change on the horizon and i hope they understand. 


  1. I know what it's like to not know what exactly of what you want to do when you grow up. I have always fought that question. I usually ignore that question or answer it without answering it at all. With how I am, personally, when things feel like they're going to shit, I tend to change something. No matter how little the change is in routine or living room set up. As long as it's a good feeling and it helps me to think positive. It all moves me into a better direction of where I want to go.

    Trim yourself up. When you look good, you feel good. You like cologne? Maybe spray some on for size.

    1. Some days it's better to blend in than stand out. I don't need a change in appearance or surroundings so much as my thinking or my perception. i like to meander through my thoughts and look at em in black and white. It's just what i do.

    2. So glad that you've gotten back to writing. It's like you're going at it non-stop. Maybe it's not just that your mind wants to roam a mountain, maybe you need to physically experience it too. A vacation in the mountains would be fun and that beard of yours can keep you warm there as well. As for not knowing what you want to do when you grow up, well only you can decide what makes you happy and go with that. Because if its not going to make you happy, in the end you'll be in the same stagnant place you're in now...however still learning along the journey.