Thursday, January 10, 2013

My Dirty Shed

I'm sitting in my garage, it's raining outside. Been confined to these four walls all day, cleaning you see. I've done two oil changes and two brake jobs and haven't cleaned up the mess from any of them. Just got done changing my wife's brakes yesterday and i couldn't find any of my shit, was limited on space, and just crap everywhere. It needed to be cleaned. Woke up early this morning and fired up the heater, which i am now quite tired of listening to. It's loud. Turning it on and off i get a little bit of peace. I'm telling you, having things clean and in their place is a beautiful thing. I'm not usually a slob like this, i have to have things in their place. It may be the ocd in me.

One thing i do realize is that I've obtained a lot of shit. 6 years ago I had a lawn mower in it and a shovel. That's about it. Now I've got tools up the ass. Yard tools, mechanics tools, carpentry tools, you name it. It's odd because i never would have imagined myself doing any of these things. I've always been timid about doing things, especially things I've never done before. My old man wouldn't let me touch shit, and he's a jack of all trades. He wouldn't show me anything. It's a damn shame really. But somewhere in the mix i gave in to the idea that i can do things. It's just stuff and can't really be hurt. So, I've taught myself to do a lot of things. I can hang doors and install wooden floors. I can change brakes on the car as well as other things. I can fix bicycles and popped tires. And i never figured I'd do any of that. Here in my mess of a garage i came to the realization that I'm quite capable of doing a lot. I don't credit myself enough.

Yea, big deal, Cracker cleaned his garage. True. But in the process of cleaning this garage i have grown to know myself better. The why of the things i do and the how of the things i am going to do yet. Growing to know yourself and truly understanding it is a long drawn out process. Sometimes i forget I'm still in a stage of growth and change and it becomes hard to see the bigger picture. It's very easy to get caught in a rut and think that THIS is who you are. That you're not going to change and things will stay the same forever. It doesn't work like that whether you're aware or not. You can stand still and everything around you will indeed change over time. Do i want to be a part of that or do i want to let my surroundings do it for me?

It's a simple question, really.

My garage is in order and all my stuff placed in it neatly. Hell, i even swept it out. But the only thing i really gained today was insight. When I'm moving, whether it be my hands or my feet, those wheels in my mind start turning. Just the act of "doing" gets the mind flowing again. I remember the instant this idea had come to me. I was 20 years old, marching down the side of a road with a 60lb. rucksack and an M16 in my hands...go figure. It was at the moment that i became aware of the me that was doing the thinking. For the first time i was able to focus and observe what i was thinking. I mean, when you're in those kinds of conditions you only have two things to do....move your feet and think. I spent a lot of time getting to know myself and what drives me during those 8 weeks. Something i can't forget. I've lost touch with that a little bit in my new world of technology and kids. And here i am, sitting in my quiet, clean garage. I needed this space more than anyone can realize. I see hours and words here in the near future. Not to neglect the noisy things in my life, but to have a place to go and be, and do it well.

And, well, here i be.


  1. I'm glad I found your blog. I can relate to a lot of what you'e written so far.

    I like the rawness of this blog.

    When I clean whatever it may be I feel like it's such an accomplishment and sometimes I let things go. Insight...yes, we gain insight by the small moments of solitude however that may manifest.

  2. Thanks for the complement.

    And you're right, letting go of things makes room for more.

    With that statement i just had an "ah ha" moment.