Wednesday, September 25, 2013

We All Have Hiding Places, I Think.

 Temptation can be quiet and sneaky and it likes to try me when I least expect it,  completely off guard.  I found a couple vicodin in a hiding place and the addict in me doesn't even want to tell you where exactly that is,  always plotting a way to keep one last hiding spot.  The bottom right pocket on my golf bag,  you see,  I'm telling on myself because I know better.  A decision presented itself which I hadn't planned on making today,  do I take them or pass?   You would think it shouldn't be an option on the table,  but however brief it may have been it's always there waiting to be captured.  I could already feel the warm sensation that starts in the belly,  eventually warming you head to toe.   The euphoria leads to desperate measures,  there's no way around it.   The only way it ends is by not starting,  it's just that sometimes that dark side wants a thrill ride.   Knowing better is only half the battle,  the action that follows is what actually matters.  The only way to ensure I don't think about it later was to crush them up and put them in the garbage, and a  piece of me went cold for doing it.  Most days I don't even think about it,  some nights I dream about it,   today it was just easier not to give in.


  1. "The only way it ends is by not starting"

    Well, if this is even of any value from a complete stranger, good job. Seriously, that takes strength. My mom has struggled with addictions for as long as I can remember...and I never wanted to look in her purse or drawers for fear of finding that it was a hiding place for something I wasn't supposed to see. We definitely all have hiding places of some sort, I couldn't agree more.

  2. There's always the what if moments. For me, my problem is an eating disorder, so I think to myself that I don't need my post work out meal, just the protein shake. I feel myself being more likely to fall to the extremes that anorexia demands of you so it's this constant reminder to be balanced and be grateful for the person you are and the strengths you do have. I'm glad you fought it off today.

  3. well. at least you were ballsy enough to crush them up and throw them away. that, to me, takes guts.

    my hiding place is. who the fuck knows. in mexico?

  4. Wow, I know how hard that must have been... I had one of the worst days of my life earlier this week and the first thing I though was I could use... than I wouldn't have feel, I wouldn't have to think... but like you... I knew it might take things away for a short while but then it all would be back with a vengeance... I just can't do that anymore. I told on myself too, it is the only way I stay clean from anything, anymore...

  5. The space between the dark and the bright side is where I think we should be.
    So, often, I dont make such decisions from the mind, I let the heart speak, and even when it's with the heart, I know for sure that the peace within would be worth the price to pay.