The shadows from the trees dance in the sunlight cast upon my wall, rippling thoughts will have me lost before I finish my first cup of coffee. Where am I going? Where have I been? Touching on a little bit of everything, I just let it wander while I chase it. This morning I was told I'm like a bull in a China shop, which is only half true. If anything I liken myself to the elephant in the room, people think they know me but they don't even know the half of it. I may even be a skeleton in the closet, and while we often have them I wonder how rarely we become them.
On the other hand...
I feel pretty good. The cool air is settling in my veins and I can feel that something is shifting within me. I don't think it's a bad thing, in fact, just the opposite. I can't describe it but I know it's there just underneath the surface. A couple random plans are coming together, and people generally irritate, yet fascinate, me all at the same time.
Make sense?
Little ever does.
Oddly this makes sense to me... people think they know me... but they don't... I have been forever hiding parts of myself. I finally found someone that I could share them with and I lost that all on Monday, now I don't want to share anything of me again... This post is so how I feel, glad I found your blog.... :-/
ReplyDeleteSorry for your loss. I find solace in knowing that I know me. Others knowing me simply makes life easier. At the end of the day all we've got is ourselves, and our happiness riding on someone else is always a recipe for disaster. And underneath all of our "shit" there is always peace and calm.
DeleteThank you Ryan... I agree.. all we really have in ourselves... Unfortunately it still hurts when someone comes along that is perfectly suited for you... then it is all gone. I will be happy again, I just need a little time... I won't share myself with anyone again though :)
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ReplyDeleteThere's nothing quite like that person that you feel "knows" you and not just a part of you or a facade. I've always thought that, if we're lucky, we meet one or two of those people over the course of our lives.
ReplyDeletePeople can irritate me, but most definitely always fascinate me. A bull in a china shop, huh...I'm a pretty closed person...well, I used to be more closed, so not many people really know me, including my family. They know parts of me. Sometimes I share my writing with my brother and I think he's gotten to see me that way. I stopped showing him certain things because he may take it the wrong way--personalize family stuff and interpret differently than I. But...I can relate to people not knowing me. I'm just glad that I mostly know and accept myself and am content with who I am. What others think is irrelevant to me when it comes down to it--as bad as that may sound, but you know...
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear that things are feeling pretty good in your corner of the universe. : )
The whole happiness riding on other people really pisses me off. Especially when I get caught up in it. Be vulnerable, they say. Let someone in, they say. It's okay to need someone, they say. Fuck all of them. I'm so angry and pissed and stuck in Mexico, and dealing with this...vulnerability and neediness fucking shit on my own. Now that's the shit I'd really like to write in my Mexico blog, Ryan. PS- lesbianism for lyfe. LYFE.
ReplyDeletepss. i'm sorry for cussing and venting on your blog.
I think if that's what you would like to write about then you should, easier said than done I know. And vent away, cussing is my favorite form of the English language.
DeleteNothing that makes sense is ever interesting. Right?
ReplyDelete/Avy
http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com
♥
I think I know what you're talking about. Strange happiness. Sometimes, there are no reasons, just solutions and the happiness attached to it.
ReplyDeleteI've grown to see that happens often, we're not always holding the rope of the chariot.