Telling someone you love, the person that has had your children, that they aren't fulfilling you is like ripping your heart out through your stomach. You need desperately to be felt but it seems so fucking selfish and crazy in the grand scheme of things. Next to my relationship with my children my relationship with my wife should be the most important thing in my life, everything else kind of dances around the outside getting fed with the leftovers, but it's not that way. There is a huge part of me that has to live an inspired life or I crumble in a disastrous heap of depression. It's hard not to think you're simply crazy or expecting unrealistic things when your needs get expressed but never met. You begin to think this is normal, you should settle for less and make things work because life isn't always a dream. It's not a dream, but it has got to fall somewhere other than a needling nightmare whenever I open my eyes.
How can you make somebody understand things about you that they don't naturally understand? If it's forced, it loses meaning. We see eye to eye on most things but there's a point where I keep going and she stops, it's a hard thing to say, and it's really hard to explain, but there is an entire being inside of me that needs something else. It's quite likely that it's not even another person that I need, maybe some time alone, I don't know, but something has to change lest I get swallowed whole by the land of the tame. I don't want to be tamed, it's not who I am. Every time I've ever tried to fight that fact it bites me in the ass and I get lost in translation. Maybe I'm destined to feel alone forever. Perhaps it's a condition that can't be changed, but I've caught glimpses of more and I just can't accept this is how it's supposed to be.
I told her. I told her everything regarding how I feel and she doesn't even get what I'm saying. You can't make somebody understand you, they either do or they don't.