Thursday, October 24, 2013

Lost in translation

Telling someone you love, the person that has had your children, that they aren't fulfilling you is like ripping your heart out through your stomach.  You need desperately to be felt but it seems so fucking selfish and crazy in the grand scheme of things.  Next to my relationship with my children my relationship with my wife should be the most important thing in my life, everything else kind of dances around the outside getting fed with the leftovers, but it's not that way.  There is a huge part of me that has to live an inspired life or I crumble in a disastrous heap of depression.  It's hard not to think you're simply crazy or expecting unrealistic things when your needs get expressed but never met.  You begin to think this is normal, you should settle for less and make things work because life isn't always a dream.  It's not a dream, but it has got to fall somewhere other than a needling nightmare whenever I open my eyes.

How can you make somebody understand things about you that they don't naturally understand?  If it's forced, it loses meaning.  We see eye to eye on most things but there's a point where I keep going and she stops, it's a hard thing to say, and it's really hard to explain, but there is an entire being inside of me that needs something else.  It's quite likely that it's not even another person that I need, maybe some time alone, I don't know, but something has to change lest I get swallowed whole by the land of the tame.  I don't want to be tamed, it's not who I am. Every time I've ever tried to fight that fact it bites me in the ass and I get lost in translation.  Maybe I'm destined to feel alone forever.  Perhaps it's a condition that can't be changed, but I've caught glimpses of more and I just can't accept this is how it's supposed to be.  

I told her.  I told her everything regarding how I feel and she doesn't even get what I'm saying.  You can't make somebody understand you, they either do or they don't.


10 comments:

  1. The last line of your post sums it all up. We should learn to understand other people but we can't make other people understand us, unless they want to.

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  2. I feel for you... I totally understand what you are saying... when you honestly love someone ... you understand their need not to be tamed. Even though I'm not with my David, I love and understand why he's doing what he needs to do right now.... He is feeling lost... one day he'll see what is in front of him. Someday she may understand that you need to take this time... hopefully she can learn to understand, it might make you stronger in the long run...

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  3. "Maybe I'm destined to feel alone forever. Perhaps it's a condition that can't be changed, but I've caught glimpses of more and I just can't accept this is how it's supposed to be."

    It is unreal how perfect this is. I always feel like I'm destined to be misunderstood and walking on the fringes of society by myself. But then that one person gets you and you see how life can be. And then all you can do is fight for it.

    Loved this.

    Em
    Tightrope to the Sun

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  4. I lived that way for five years and I can't imagine more. My mom did it for 26 before she called it quits. We have a need as people to connect and be seen on that level. Relationships can be hard because it's such a huge, I can't even fins the words, thing (ha) to step outside yourself and your needs and give them and let them give you what you need. It's a big deal when you aren't on the same page. I completely understand the desire for more and they stop. It's disheartening. I think it's good you told her though.

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  5. I have to wonder, to ask, could this aching for more be something you aren't meant to share with someone else by means of verbal expression and understanding? Could it be enough to "go there" on your own.. to fully engage with the richness you find there and let it overwhelm YOU alone, filling you until YOU overflow all its awesomeness onto the world around you, and if no one ever knows why you are the way you are or is able to connect with the things you are.. maybe it's okay? Because in a round-about way you take them there... you are filled, and then you give it out in a way the world around you can understand.

    This desire to be understood, I get it. But more than that, I know it's so important that YOU be fed the way you know you can and should be... it's the only way you'll be able to paint your world rightly.

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    1. My instinct is to tell you all the ways you're wrong which means I'll end up figuring out you're right, so I'll cut all the b.s. and not say anything. I'm listening.

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  6. I don't mean to criticize you, but it's hard to make someone understand you when you don't fully understand yourself either. When I read this, I felt like you are not sure what you want. I know you want to feel understood, but it seems like you are lost as to why you feel things the way you do. Everyone is unique, even people who share the most intimate moments cannot always see eye to eye.

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    1. Haha, I probably understand too much about myself. My relationships with people have always been shaky. Learning how to trust people isn't coming easy. I'm generally an intense person and people have a hard time handling it. This is just me trying to figure out how the me I know fits into everything else. And this is like everything else, it passes and some form of normalcy comes back.

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  7. I wonder if we are meant to be generally misunderstood. Perhaps it ensures that we DO understand ourselves all the better. There are people in my life that really "get" parts of me, and if I could meld all of them into a single being I will find my soul mate who knows me inside and out. But I really don't think such a person exists, so I keep all of the individuals within arms reach instead.

    xx
    LuLu
    Breakfast After 10

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    1. I hear that, Lulu. I was just explaining to someone the other day about the odd cast of characters I call friends. They are all completely different and each one of them feeds an aspect of me, which makes me question this relationship that much more.

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