Friday, March 8, 2013

A Walk In Hell

I did something today that was quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I had to leave my home, which hasn't felt like a home in a long time.  I don't know what's next aside from having to find somewhere to stay the next few days.  Beyond that, I don't know.  Trying to tell an 8 and 3 year old what's going on isn't easy.  Obviously my daughter doesn't get it, but the boy is old enough to understand and I'm hoping it wasn't a catastrophically traumatic event.  Saying it's going to be ok when you know it probably won't be is not fun.  Explaining that it has nothing to do with him and telling him he can ask or say anything he wants, but he already knows that.  With nothing left to say I hugged them all, including my wife, and walked out the door.  I knew it wouldn't be easy but I didn't know it would be that hard.  I stood on the outside of the door and cried.  Fuck, I feel like a failure.  Everything I care about is in that house and to walk out is unthinkable.  But I did it and now I have to accept it.  I had to do it.  I no longer felt comfortable there, piling on the facade to try and please her because who I am is unacceptable.  I can no longer deny what I am to please others.  I thought I could do it for my kids but I see that's unreasonable.  This didn't just spring upon us, its been in the air for a few years now and I can't keep it up anymore.  Sometimes people just shouldn't be together despite how much they love one another.  That can only go so far.  I've got no anger or blame toward her in my heart, if anything at myself.  And here I sit, alone in Starbucks drinking coffee, wallowing in what just happened.  I don't expect people to understand, I realize it looks like I gave up or created all of this and there isn't anything I can do about that judgment upon me.  I know my reasons...I have thought about them and talked about them and I think I gave it everything I had in me.  I'm done...I have no more desire to work it out.  I'm at the point where I became willing to inflict this pain on everyone was a last resort.  I'm emotionally bankrupt, and hurt.  I've hit rock bottom in this aspect of life and I hope better days are ahead.

Humbly yours.


  1. You say you gave it everything you had in you...if that's the case then you have nothing to hang your head about sir as far as self-blame is concerned. Your blogger family is here for you bro

  2. It takes courage to do what you felt was best. Sending positive light your way...

  3. To walk in to the unknown takes strength and heart. You shouldn't be ashamed of anything that happened. Sometimes love is not enough, and if you tried to make it work, then be proud. Nothing should be at the expense of who you are. *hug*

  4. It's a brave thing to quit something, knowing that it has failed, worrying as if the failure will reflect backwards onto your face for all to see. But the people who know and love you will instead recognize the strength in you for doing what is right. It will be ok.

    Breakfast After 10

  5. I appreciate the comments, y'all.

  6. where ever i am, you're always welcome.