Honesty

Sometimes being honest with yourself means being honest with others.  It's not something I've been good at.  You see, my whole life has revolved around me doing things, or not doing things, because of what others would think.  That's not an easy way to live.  It's like leading a double life, knowing that what's on the inside only wants to be free.  Some things have come to a head and I can no longer avoid doing what I gotta do, unless I want to drive myself crazy.  The whole point is solutions, not hanging on to problems and marinating in their stench. 

This is some pretty personal shit here and I'm not even positive I'll post it yet.  But, what have I got to lose at this point?  Most of you know I'm married, but not very happily.  We've been together for about 14 years, married 11.  We lack common interests, she just really doesn't get me in a lot of ways....most ways.  I'm too "on the edge" for her.  So, there are lot of things she doesn't know about me because there came a time when it was just easier to keep it from her than to continue to be treated like a child.  I don't need a mother, I can handle my own shit.  And it has pushed me further and further away from her.  As she's honesty told me she just can't accept some things about me, and she is entitled to that.

We've tried a few different things to see if we could get a better understanding, on a couple different occasions and it didn't get us anywhere.  We agree on little anymore except for the fact that something has to change.  I think we've come to a mutual understanding that although we love each other, it's just not working.  I think it'd be better for her, myself and most importantly the kids to have two good parents that aren't always unhappy.  I'm past being angry or scared about being honest due to possible outcomes.  I used to get mad every time I heard a complaint about leaving my hats hanging all over the house or not doing the dishes properly.  Anymore I just walk away from it.  Facing her and saying we need to talk was a painfully relieving act.  And telling her where I'm at took a huge weight off my shoulders.  It's out there and although the whole situation sucks I feel a sense of freedom I haven't felt in a long time, if ever.  We're not talking about jumping at divorce tomorrow, but when two people are pushed that far away from each other what will ultimately come of it?  I'm afraid I'm past the point of working on it, I've already started to let go a long time ago. 

Life is difficult.