Sometimes I wonder what might have been had my tears not fallen untouched. If you had said yes instead of I'm sorry, how would these last ten years have played out? It isn't your fault but it hardened my heart, made me a bit cold. I shared everything with you and on that dreadful day you took a piece of me, hopefully you keep it close. At times I fear it was the best part of me, its almost like I've nothing left to give. Attempting to get it back I've looked in all directions, searched my soul and come up with nothing. I don't think there's anything that will ever fill that void, and perhaps there's a side of me that doesn't really want it to. You've unknowingly given me a perspective I otherwise wouldn't have had. And for that I thank you.
That's been festering in me for a while and I still can't make sense of it. It is quite possible that some hurt will never go away. Its been a long time since I've been willing, or at least able, to let people get to know me. Even when I'm comfortable with someone I'm guarded. I haven't since experienced a true closeness to another human being in a long time. At times I feel like my metaphorical heart was doomed from the start. I want to open up but I can't, I'm afraid. I'll admit it. Today I can do that, it wasn't always that way. Fear would keep me stuck and not even writing would help. I feel guilty and sorry that I can't love properly. It weighs me down daily.
How does one go about learning to love all over again?